Anime Battle Royal I
by directsun
Summary: Read you favorite anime and gaming characters beat each other into a bloody pulp!
1. The Anime Battle Royal e?

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Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 1

Thursday, November 08, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K? K.

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

BTW, fanfiction [dot] net is realy a great tool. Thanx a lot guys! Maybe someday u'll figure out how to let us keep symbols in our text! Yup, none of those thingees over the 8 key or those thingees over the 6 key, or any kool smiles.... i would make a cry face but i cant.

To see the abr as it was intended, visit directsun [dot] net   
if u cant figure that out, I pitty jew.

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[Introduction Episode]

(Cut to "The Cell Games" arena. The opening theme from Final Fantasy VII is playing.)

Announcer: (steps into arena) Hey, there! Do you remember me?!

Crowd: (remains silent. A cricket is heard chirping.)

Announcer: (holds up a picture of Mr. Satan)

Crowd: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Announcer: Hey, you know him! So, since I announced for this guy, you should applaud for me, too!

Crowd Member #61396: cough

Announcer: Shut up! (pulls out a Super-Duper-Kill-O-Zap-Phaser-Photon-Mako-Cannon-Blaster(tm), and blasts the aforementioned spectator into subatomic particles)

Crowd: (sweatdrops) YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Announcer: Okay... anyways, I am here to be your announcer for...

(dramatic pause)

Announcer: The first ever Anime Battle Royal!

Crowd: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY [This joke is wearing thin...]

Announcer: I'll be your announcer for this load of crap. YAYME. Here are your hopefully unbiased judges. Each has been tried and tested in the field of anime, battling, and Yo Mamma lunchtable jokes. First, Chris Mattera, who has requested I call him "Sun." If you didn't already know, he is DIRECTSUN and owns directsun [dot] net ;) [isnt fanfiction [dot] net a bitch?]

The Gentleman Whom We Shall Now Refer To As "Sun": Howdy.

Crowd: (sweatdrops)

Sun: Applaud, dammit! (charges a Kamehameha.)

Crowd: (applauds.)

Announcer: Next, some guy who sits with the other two judges every single day, barring some sort of shit. Here's Matt Bulick.

Matt: Hey, I first wanna say not to call m-

Crowd Member 2831: Hey Boo-lick!

Matt: (raises very large firearm)

Crowd Member 2831: (eye twiches just before being turned to ash)

Matt: Viva la Booke!

Crowd: ...

Matt: (Gives crowd the evil eye.)

Crowd: (applauds)

Announcer: Finally, the guy whose very existance is in Serge Insula's hands, (reads cue card) (aside to prompter) Dammit, not another Chris! (to audience) Chris Schnorrbush, who has requested I call HIM "Snorb".

The Other Chris: H-

Crowd: BOO! HISS! GET OUTTA HERE!

Snorb: Fuck you all. Seriously.

Announcer: Okay... now that we've got our judges out of the way, here are our contestants. Nine battle-scarred veterans of armed anime combat... no, wait- all the brave toughs from Akira got 86'd by Tetsuo-

Sun: KANEDA

Snorb: TETSUO

Sun: KANEDA

Snorb: TETSUO

Sun: KANEDA

Snorb: TETSUO

Sun: KANEDA

Snorb: TETSUO

(this whole discourse continues for about 5 hours)

Sun: (panting) KANADA

Snorb: (body tilting) TETSUO

(They both fall to the ground)

Crowd: ...

Matt: Ummmm... (smiles) I'm Matt.

Announcer: Great... superve judges... Okay.... now, to introduce our nine contestants in this double elimination tournament- First heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Vegeta!

Vegeta: (enters the stadium, and gives his "I-am-the-prince-of-all-saiyans-and-you-can't-beat-me" expression)

Announcer: Next, that Mako-enhanced stud... WAIT! Who writes these cue cards?!

(offstage.)

Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, and Barrett: Tee hee hee...

Announcer: Clod... err... (Cloud gives him a threatening glance) CLOUD Strife!

[Look, let's just assume that the crowd applauds everyone but the last guy, okay?]

Cloud: I don't care about your names. Once I win, I'm outta here.

Announcer: Thirdly, the horrendous marshmallow-like Borg from the planet Popstar, heeere's Kirby!

Kirby: Uh-oh... (the contestants glance at Kirby. They're looking forward to fighting HIM!)

Announcer: Okay, next- a gal who wants to sing, voiceact, and generally entertain for a living. Heeere's Rei Hino, aka Sailor Mars!

(Rei appears in a very small bikini)

Snorb: Wooo! This contest is over! Give her the tiara and the 10,000,000 zene!

Matt: This isn't the Miss Tokyo '01 contest, Chris! (thwacks Snorb)

Sun: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Matt and Snorb: ...

Sun: I just remembered a fanfic I once read. It was a self inserted one! It was hallarious! (seriously) BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I hate fics where it seems the author is forced to insert his friends into his fic just to satisfy everyone's ego with only a little bit of writing of one person.

Crowd: (stares)

Sun: What?

Announcer: First, Rei has forty-five seconds to become Sailor Mars, or she takes the ninth place in the contest. (Rei transforms) Fifth, the middle-most contestant, the disgrace to the proud Saiyan tradition of unarmed combat...

Trunks: (throws sword at Announcer, and barely impales him)

Announcer: I said, "epitome", dammit! Not "disgrace"!

Snorb: Um, no. You said...

Everyone: HE SAID, "EPITOME"!

Announcer: Who cares? Here's Trunks!

Trunks: Whoa! Do I get to beat the crap out of my dad?!

Matt: Let's hope so.

Announcer: Next, (speaks faster) heresjigglypuffletsmoveon...

Jigglypuff: Puff! Jig jiggly! Jigglypuff! [Not so fast, Announcer-type person!]

Announcer: Damn. I really thought that was going to work.

Crowd: (boos Jigglypuff)

Jigglypuff: =(

Announcer: And, since there's a Jigglypuff, then its arch rival, a multi-million dollar movie star, must be here. Iiiiiit's.... Clefairy!

Clefairy: Clefairy! [Kiss my ass, Jiggly-foo!]

Crowd: (standing ovations Clefairy)

Announcer: E... Oomph! (Snorb shoulders him out of the way and commandeers the mic.)

Snorb: Eighth, and best, is a hot blue-haired beauty with sexy stiletto heels! Her nice perky breasts... Hey! (Security guards appear) What the... GERROFF MY PROPERTY.... LEGGO... (gets thrown in his seat)

Announcer: ....

Crowd: ....

Ryo: (points at Snorb) Say that about her to my face, bozo!

Announcer: ....okay... Like that raving looney said, here's everybody's favorite Inner Senshi, Ami Mizuno, or Sailor Mercury!

Ami: Oh, no! I should be studying! I'm only 38 chapters ahead of my AP history class!

Announcer: Ami, take a Valium. Lots of 'em. Relax a bit. Now, since this is a double elimination, there has to be a guy for the losers to beat senseless. Heere's that Hylian hero, Link!

Link: (holds the Master Sword in a manner suggesting he has absolutely no idea how the hell to use it) (comical pit bull growling)

Announcer: Okay. The rules of this are very simple. The bouts keep going until someone is knocked out of the ring, or one of the following has been satisfactorally and visibly achieved: Individual or mutual unconsciousness. Brutal death. Fistic amputation of no fewer than three limbs. Or, the general tearing asunder of one of both parties. The competitors are to fight with all honor. However, since violence=ratings, any and all unnecessary violence is heartily encouraged.

Matt: Basically, we want to see blood.

Sun: A veritable river of it.

Snorb: God, I love the vile stench of battle...

Announcer: If a fight breaks out between a spectator and a combatant, the referees have been ordered to regard it with a blind eye.

Sun, Matt, and Snorb: (sage anime nod)

Announcer: There's the contestants. What a swell bunch of gays... GUYS. Oh, it's time for the first fight! And thank God, because those two are gonna kill me!

[Fight One: Vegeta vs. Cloud Strife: Ultima My Ass!]

Vegeta: (stares at Cloud)

Cloud: What's wrong? Not gonna say anything?

Vegeta: Nope.

Cloud: Good! (uses Knights of the Round summon)

Knights: Charge! (all charge at Vegeta)

Vegeta: (raises an eyebrow) ....... FINAL FLASH!! (fires a ki blast and vaporizes the knights)

Cloud: (jaw drops in shock) How the...

Vegeta: ., or as close to it as you'll get from Toriyama.

Cloud: (unsheathes Ultima Weapon) Take this, weirdo! Your bolts are no match for swordplay! (rushes forward, slashing air. Vegeta dodges, and Cloud doesn't see it. He does drive his sword through something, though.)

Aeris's Head: .... x

Aeris's Body: (THUDs to the floor)

Barrett: Somebody get this &$#%&!&#ing stiff outta here!

Cloud: Aeris... no! Not for a third time! (points that unnecessarily large sword at Vegeta) YOOOOU! DIEEEEEEE! (only suceeds in cutting a few strands of vegeta's hair)

Vegeta: That doesn't grow back you know! Lemme see that. (grabs the Ultima, and breaks it across Cloud's face)

Cloud: (now with a wound similar to Squall's) Oh, God.

Vegeta: INDEED (starts to fire up a ki blast) Wait... Before I finish you off, I deserve an answer to one question!

Cloud: Shoot... O.o ... Not the fireball!! Not the fireball!!

Vegeta: Why are you named after a cloud?

Cloud: ... (stares at him) Why are YOU named after a vegetable?

Vegeta: Hmm... y'know, I never really gave it much thought.

Cloud: You know what? You should ask the judges.

Vegeta: Yes, I shall. Thank you, Strife! (leaves the ring and approaches the judges' stand) Why am I named after a vegetable?

Snorb: Because you're a loser!

Vegeta: Huh?

Matt: Look at the ring. You got ring outed.

(Vegeta turns, and double takes. Cloud waves gaily. And not the happy gay, either.)

Sun: You got outwitted by that half wit?! What would Trunks think?

Trunks: Hehehehe... old fart.

Kirby, Rei, Trunks, Jigglypuff, Clefairy, Ami, and Link: IDIOT! MORON! CHOWDERHEAD!

Announcer: Well, in a stunning upset, Cloud diffused a difficult situation, and has won the first m-

Vegeta: Fuck you, you cheating BASTARD! (rushes toward Cloud, and pummels him)

Cloud: !!! Aggh! Oomph! (starts defending himself)

(2 seconds later.)

Vegeta: Well, Cloud, that's what all cheaters deserve!

Announcer: Vegeta, I think Cloud must be mad you murdered him- he's not speaking to you.

CLoud: (nothing more than a pool of blood.)

Sun: Well, Cloud did win fair and square.

Snorb: But, Vegeta's still alive.

Matt: So, we say he wins by default.

Vegeta: Heh, default. The sexiest word in your English language.

Snorb: Funny. I thought it was "Ami".

Ryo: (in stands) Shut up! She likes MEEE! I'm a genius! You're a tub of fat!

Sun: Well, that was intresting. I'm not realy sure why I said that Vegeta won. It's wierd. It's like some kind of strange force is conrolling my every move. Controlling all of our destinies.

Snorb: Well if anyone IS controlling us they would have to be realy, realy stupid.

Matt: Dam right. They must be assholes to try and... (three bolts of lightning come out of the sky and fry the judges.)

Ryo: Well. Vegeta killed him. My buddy, my pal, my newly discovered coveter of my girlfriend, nothing more than a couple of carbon flakes.

Sun, Matt, and Snorb: (extra crispy) Ouuuuuch.

Announcer: Great! NOW, where are we gonna get three new judges on such short notice?!

Technician: Well, we found three.

Announcer: Who?

Tecchie: First, we got the blue-haired guy from Chrono Cross to fill in for Sun.

Serge: (bows before Rei and Ami)

Rei: Well, he's a polite one.

Serge:

Ami: Not much to talk, though.

Serge: =(

Rei: But he's cute.

Ami: And muscular. He has a nice body.

Serge: (blushes)

Ryo: GReeeaaat! First, she sleeps with that dumbass judge! Now, she's swooning over some mute!

Serge: (throws the Spectra Swallow and the Mastermune at Ryo, killing him instantly)

Rei and Ami: (stare weirdly at Serge)

Serge: (points at Ryo's corpse, and adjusts his bandanna) ...He didn't see THAT coming.

Rei: Did you just talk?!

Serge: (shakes head)

Announcer: ...Why do I get stuck with the weirdos? Next, replacing Matt, what he doesn't know could fill the omniverse! What he DOES know makes up 99.9% of the omniverse!

Harry: First, I was stuck in this town in the middle of nowhere. My daughter disappeared. Then aliens abduct me. They give me a Playstation controller. I try playing Time Crisis. I vaporized my TV. My gun's a lemon, and I want my money back.

Announcer: Heeere's Harry coughidiotcough Mason, from Silent Hill!

Harry: Huh? What the?!

Announcer: And third... a mirror with the symbol of Neptune on it. How odd.

Michiru: Oh, so that's where I left it! (takes her mirror and looks into it)

Announcer: Hey, wanna judge our fight?

Michiru: What's in it for me?

Announcer: Umm... How's 30 gross of that same shade of lipstick sound?

Michiru: (hesitates) 20.

Announcer: Deal. Thou. Refereeth. Now.

Michiru: Okay.

ANnouncer: Now, our second fight is going to be underway... as soon as you scroll down.

[Fight Two: Kirby vs. Sailor Mars: Marshmallow Roast!]

Rei: That's who I have to fight?

Kirby: (eyes widen in horror, then looks down. He's standing in what's left of Cloud's spinal cord.)

Rei: Mars... Burning Mandalaa! (the resulting burst of flame sets Kirby on fire)

Kirby: Owowowowowowww! (runs around while Rei starts stomping him with her high heels)

Rei: Heh, cake.

Kirby: (inhales Rei, then ducks, throwing her out. He now has a little ruby tiara on his forehead.) Bur'ing Mand'laa! (Burning Mandalas Rei)

Rei: Ouch! You little... (counterattacks with Burning Mandala. Both blasts fizzle out)

Kirby: (runs to Rei)

Rei: (pulls out the flaming bow) It's Flame Sniper time! (shoots flaming arrows at Kirby, who swallows them)

Kirby: Oh, no! (bursts into flame again)

Michiru: Should I put him out?

Harry: Put who out? What's going on?

Serge: (shrugs)

Michiru: Yeah, I probably shouldn't.

Kirby: Man, I've gotta lay off this spicy food... it gives me bad gas... (starts running towards Rei)

Rei: Hmm? (raises eyebrow, and starts blinking. A lot.)

Kirby: Five feet to go... (insert Bombing Run from FF7 here.) ...4.......3.......2.......1......six inC(farts)KAAABOOOOOOOOOM

Crowd: ...

(bits of Rei and Kirby rain on the arena. Suddenly, the pieces of marshmallow reform into a slightly toasted Kirby!)

Crowd: ... (brief silence)

Announcer: What? You've never seen a big ball of fat tub of lard regenerate before?

Crowd: (simaltaniously) Well... Uhhhhh...

Serge: (shakes head)

Michiru: I hope Vegeta starts killing people in the stands now.

Harry: What's Dragon Ball Z?

(somewhere on the highway)

Sun: (jumps out of the ambulance van taking the judges away and starts running back to the arena) YOU MORRON!! (passes a sign) "100,000 miles to the Anime Bout arena" AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCK! (picture zooms out and his voice echoes across a shitty fake model of the earth)

(back at the arena)

Michiru: Did you hear something?

Announcer: Well, guess we have our winner.

Kirby: Yayy! (does its little SSB dance.)

Serge: (strikes a menacing pose)

Harry: Right. The standings are... where did I leave them?

Serge: (pulls out a poster)

Harry: Oh.

Michiru: Idiot.

Serge: (waves the camera guy over here)

Announcer: Ah, yes. Standings.

STNADINGZ

WINNERS TOURNEY

Vegeta Vegeta

Cloud / COMMING SOON

Kirby Kirby /

Rei /

Trunks COMMING SOON

Jigglypuff / COMMING SOON

Clefairy COMMING SOON /

Ami /

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LOSERS TOURNEY

Link COMMING SOON

Cloud /

Rei / COMMING SOON

Announcer: Okay. Raise your hand if you didn't get that.

Serge: (raises hand)

Harry: Y'know, maybe when I saw that corpse tied to that fence, I shouldn't have been so thick, and actually ran for my life. (raises hand)

Michiru: I understand it... no, I don't. (raises hand)

(back on the highway)

Sun: YOU PIECES OF POO! (passes sign) "99,999 miles left bitch" (grins)


	2. Not quite a googol

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Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 2

Thursday, November 08, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

Hey everyone! Hope U liked the first chapter! Just incase you forgot... ()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

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[Fight Three: Trunks vs. Jigglypuff: Layeth the Smaketh Downth]

Announcer: And, now, our third fight of the day, a piss-poor pink Jigglyfoo versus a purple-haired psycho Saiyan.

Trunks: (powers up)

Jigglypuff: Jiiiig! [Piss-poor?!]

(bell rings. Laguna's combat from FF8 starts playing.)

Trunks: Eat steel, Pokecritter! (charges Jigglypuff, but she rolls out of the way.)

Jigglypuff: Puff! (raises its middle... well, the Igglybuff evolution line lacks fingers, so it raises its entire left hand and pulls the skin beneath its right eye downward.)

Trunks: Gaaah! (fires a Final Flash, but it misses Jigglypuff)

Serge: (looks up from behind overturned table) ..... Is it over?

Michiru: (looks up) Yes, Serge. It is.

Serge: (gets back in seat)

Harry: How could you answer him, Michelle? That would mean he had to talk to you.

Serge: (shakes head so vigorously it seems like it'll fall off)

Michiru: WHAT did you just call me?!

Serge: (rolls eyes, contemplates remaining in Lynx's body for the rest of their lives)

Harry: I called you Michelle. That is your name, isn't it?

Michiru: (vaults out of her chair, knocking Harry to the ground) I'LL KILL YOU!

Serge: (unties bandanna, and offers it to Michiru, who starts strangling Harry with it)

Harry: (choking sounds)

Michiru: Let's get this straight. RIGHT. NOW. The name's Michiru! Spell it with me! Emm-Eye-Sea-Aetsch-Eye-Arr-You Tee-Eee-Enn-Ohh-Aetsch!

Harry: Umphh...  (dies)

Trunks and Jigglypuff: (bigsweat)

Trunks: What a dork.

Jigglypuff: Pupuff. [Asswipe.]

Serge: ....? (motions to Harry)

Michiru: Hmm? Oh, you want this back. I'll trade for my mirror. (they exchange)

Trunks: Umm... COULD WE?!

Jigglypuff: Yeah! Stop infighting... umm... I mean... uh... Jigglypuff!

Trunks: Where were we? Ah, yes. (draws sword) Lookit me! I'm Crono!

Serge: (holds up a sign saying, "Lookit ME! I'm Serge!")

Jigglypuff: (takes out microphone/marker) JigaLEEpuff, jigaleeePUFF...

Trunks: Hahahaha! You think a song's gonna stop me?!

Announcer: Trunks, slice that thing in two. Please. Now.

Trunks: Sure thing.... whoa, should I be hallucinating like this?! (sees Jigglypuff as a giant stuffed toy, then collapses)

Everyone in the stadium: ZZZzzzz....

Jigglypuff: Pufff.... Puff? Jigaleeee! [Dammit, not again!] (inflates)

(several magic markers later)

Jigglypuff: Puff... Jig. Jigglypuff puff puff. [Let's see. Got everyone... hey, the judges are asleep. Maybe if I can push this twerp out of the ring... man, I talk to myself too much.] (pushes Trunks out of the ring)

Serge: yaaawn (blink. blink.)

Michiru: Hmm... Haruka... Huh?

Crowd: (general pandemonium)

Serge: (taps Michiru's shoulder, and points to Trunks)

Michiru: Hey, that pink fart actually ring outed Trunks?

Announcer: Whoa! In another stunning upset, a world-famous violinist beat the shit out of a third-rate horror writer! Oh, and Jigglypuff won the fight, to the apathy of everyone.

Crowd: (boos Jigglypuff)

Jigglypuff: TT

Michiru: Well, we have to give the crowd what they want.

Serge: (raises eyebrow, and shakes head)

Michiru: What do you mean? Jigglypuff won fair and square?

Serge: (nods)

Michiru: How in the hell does Leena understand you, Serge?

Serge: (shrugs)

Michiru: sigh I give up.

Serge: (spins around once, then starts pumping his fist in the air Final Fantasy VI-style)

Michiru: Now, who gets to tell Trunks the bad news?

Serge: (points at Vegeta)

Michiru: I say you should.

Serge: !!! (shakes head)

Michiru: Go and tell him, or I'll tell Leena we had sex.

Serge: (gives her a look that says, "Please do. Seriously. I mean that.")

Michiru: Then I'll tell Haruka we had sex.

Serge: oO (runs into the ring)

Trunks: ZZZzzz... (Serge taps his shoulder) Huh? What?

Serge: (points at ring out line)

Trunks: But, Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. I tried fusioning with an ant yesterday, but I was too weak, and I dreamed that I fought in brutal hand-to-hand combat, mano e Puffo.

Serge: FUCK YOU TOO BITCH

Trunks: What did you say?

Serge: (gives Trunks the thumbs-down)

Trunks: Whaddya mean, "I lose!"?!

Michiru: Jigglypuff must have moved you out of the ring.

Jigglypuff:

Trunks: DIIIEEEEEEE! (charges Jigglypuff, who bravely hauls ass)

Announcer: ...okay, while we await word on what happens with those two, we need to once again replace the second judge.

(Somewhere.)

Sun: (still running and gasping for breath) YOOOOOOOOOOO! AUTHOR! I know you can hear me! I know you're out there! Soon the truth about you will be revealed! Soon people will know that you control their destinies! You may be able to fool them! BUT YOU WON'T BE IN CHARGE OF WHAT HAPPENDS TO MEEEEEEEE!!! (passes sign "1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles left you sack of shit") (eye twiches repetitively)

(backstage)

Trunks: You cheating basterd!

Jigglypuff: PUFF PUFF! JIG! [it's you fault you lazy bitch]

Trunks: (rases hand) wait... I have an idea (smiles evilly)

Jigglypuff: O.o

Trunks: (Runs into his dressing room) hehehe (gets into time machine and sets it for a few minuets ago)

(back in time)

Jigglypuff: (takes out microphone/marker) JigaLEEpuff, jigaleeePUFF...

Past Trunks: Hahahaha! You think a song's gon... (a large round object materializes in front of him)

Past Trunks: What the fuck!?

Future Trunks: (steps out of the time machine and grins at Jigglypuff)

Jigglypuff: JigaLEEpuff, jigal... (Future Trunks zooms out to Jigglypuff and flicks her out of the ring with his index finger)

Crowd: (stares)

Announcer: What just happened?

Future Trunks: Hehehe (gets back in time machine and de-materializes)

[Fight Four: Clefairy vs. Sailor Mercury: Cuteness]

Sunderland: ...Mary... could you really be in this stadium?

Michiru: She might be, dammit!

Sunderland: But, what if she isn't? I don't want to get drawn into some sort of Silent Hill 3 here.

Serge: (holds up a cattle prod and grins evilly)

Sunderland: You don't have the gAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Michiru: You were right, ghost boy. He IS brick stupid!

Serge: 

James: Ouuuuuccchchhhh.... my groin.......

Announcer: Look, James, do us a favor. Hurry up and heal. We have recieved news that Sun escaped from his distracti... I mean... hospital van. We have to try and get this fanfi... er... battle royal finished withing a few more chapte... uhhhhhhh... hours.

(back in nowhere, a common place for Harry,...)

Sun: (crys) cooooooooooooooooooooome on... WAIT! I KNOW! The audence HAS to be starter than the author. They would never buy this crap without me!

Crowd: (cheers)

Sun:

Ami: Hello, Clefairy.

Clefairy: Clefairy! (plops up and down happily) [Wow! You're as cute as that brown-haired psycho said you were!]

Ami: How are you today?

Clefairy: Fair. Fairy faiiiiry. Clef. [So-and-so.]

Ami: How's the family? Have we found someone special?

Clefairy: Clefairy fairy cle. Cle. Fairy fairyclef cleff. [The Stay-Puft Corporation turned my brother into hot chocolate marshmallows three months ago. Thanks for opening old wounds.]

Michiru: Hey! Ami! Pinkpuff!

Ami: Yes?

Clefairy: Cle? [What?!]

Serge: (pulls his Spectra Swallow from Ryo's body, and strikes a pose)

James: Duh, what's going on? Where's Mary?

Ami: You want us to fight each other?

Clefairy: . faaaairy! [NEVER!]

Michiru: (gets up and pulls out two gloves) Look, you two. Listen up. Since you have been ordered to fight each other for the amusement of people who thirst for bloody deaths, and you obviously don't have this intelligence it takes to even through a punch, I'm giving you gloves with about 900 Gravitonne7 Elements laced into it. Basically, if you get hit with this glove, you won't die- you'll just be propelled in a backward direction at warp speed 1. K? K. (sits back in chair)

Ami: Did you make us these, Serge?

Serge:

Ami: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook...

Clefairy: (in a big and mean voice) CLEEEEEEEEEEFAIRY!

Ami: WHAT!? ME!? You little!

Michiru: What did it say?

James: Clefairy just called Ami a "BIG FAT BITCH."

Serge: (Tilts left eyebrow to Michiru)

Michiru: Serge wants to know how can you tell what it's saying?

James: Well, it's realy quite easy... Clefairy is basicly an idiot. And being an idiot myself, I can understand every word.

Michiru: Hahahaha! Do you even realize how much you just dissed yourself!? I would never stoop so low as to understand such nonsense languages!

Serge: (stares at her)

Michiru: Shut up Serge!

Clefairy: CLEFFFFFFFFFFFFuckyoulittlebitchAAAAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRRRYYYYYYY!

Ami: (clenches teeth)

Anouncer: Hehehe... perfect, now my plan of world domination will be possible!!!

Crowd: ...

Anouncer: ... Uhhhhhh. I mean...

Crowd: ...

Anouncer: Let the match begin! (bell rings)

Crowd: (cheers)

Ami: (stares at Clefairy)

Clefairy: (stares at Ami)

(they keep this pose for about 2 hours)

Ami: (with bloodshot eyes) ... hi...

Clefairy: (still trying to think how to react) ... (lifts hand and scratches chin) o.O

Sounds: WHAM!

Clefairy: .............ccccccccCCCCCCCLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee............ (flies past Pluto, then falls back to Earth)

Ami: (looks up) Oh, Clefairy's coming back. (jumps, and turns on visor) Let's see... I should hit it... right...

Clefairy: (Doppler effected screams) Clleeeeeeee!!!!!!!! [Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee fun.]

Ami: ...Here! (uppercuts Clefairy with right hand)

(a still cel of Earth.)

Sounds: WHAM!

Clefairy: ................cccccccccccccCCCCCLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!!!! (flies into the sun, roasting him, then falls back to Earth again.)

Serge: (bigsweats)

Clefairy: ......eeeeeeEEEEEEEEE! (smashes into the ground at breakneck speed, leaving a small star-shaped hole)

Ami: Clefairy? Are you all right?

Clefairy: Cleeee.... plop. ClllEEEEE.... PLOP. Cleeee.... (picks self out of hole)

Michiru: Geez! What's with all the ring outs?!

Sunderland: What's a ring? I gave one to Mary five years ago...

Serge: (waves the Spectra Swallow and the Mastermune in James's face)

Ami: Really? I won? All right! (jumps up, in a tit-jarring display of acrobatics)

Clefairy: Cle. [I lose. Time for a break.] (collapses backwards into hole) THUMP

STNADINGZ

WINNERS TOURNEY

Vegeta       Vegeta 

Cloud     /              COMMING SOON          

Kirby          Kirby /                        

Rei         /                                      COMING SOON

Trunks        Trunks [hehehe]                 /

Jigglypuff /                      COMMING SOON /

Clefairy          Ami         /

Ami        /

----------------------------------------------------------------------

LOSERS TOURNEY

Link      

Cloud      /                   

               Sailor Mars      /

                                     Trunks       /

                                                        Clefairy/


	3. Road to insanity

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 3

Thursday, November 10, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

(backstage area)

Announcer: Okay. The quarterfinals in the anime Battle Royal have just finished up! Judges, let's have a look at the current standings!

Serge: (nods)

Michiru: First, I have to say this: We talked with Trunks after his match. It seems he had found a way to travel backward in time and ummm... won the battle with Jigglypuff.

Vegeta: (smiles and gives Trunks a nugy)

STANDINGZ

Vegeta              Vegeta         

Cloud             /                    

Kirby              Kirby            /

Sailor Mars      /

Trunks              Trunks                

Jigglypuff          /                         

Clefairy             Sailor Mercury       /

Sailor Mercury       /

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link      

Cloud      /                

               Sailor Mars   /

                                   Jigglypuff   /

                                                        Clefairy/

James: What's going on?

Michiru: Argh, why did we hire him?

Serge: (shrugs)

Michiru: Why did we hire YOU?!

Serge: (undoes vest and tunic, shows pecs to Michiru)

Michiru: Dude. Serge. I don't swing that way.

Serge: !!!

(somewhere, not quite over the rainbow.)

Sun: GASP WHEEZE Geez! Why do you have to put me through all this?!

[Because I can!]

Sun: Vah, fongool! (makes obscene gesture) Ha, I'm almost there!

Sign: [Latin for, "If you can read this, you are both very well educated and 50.0 x 10E999 AUs from Stuna Arena."]

Sun: DOG GAMMIT

(backstage area)

Announcer: Anyways, since the first part of the Winners' Tournament is over, we'll interview They Who Didst Not Make The Cut. We'll go to our man in the field, Heero Yu... How do you pronounce that?!

Heero: Yuie.

Announcer: Oh.

Heero: Okay. I'm Heero Yuie. I don't mind dying for an interview.

Michiru: You're an idiot, you know that?

Heero: (gets in her face) I don't care WHAT happens. I WILL destroy you.

Serge: (poses, and summons GF Mister T)

Mr. T: I pity da foo'!

Heero: Aw, shit!

Mr. T: It's you, foo! You welched on our agreement! I'm gonna throw you helluva far!

Heero: (poses) GF Booker T!

Booker T: Sucka!

(Mr. T and Booker T start fighting each other)

Serge: (sweatdrops)

Heero: Where was I? Oh, yes. First on our list of losers, one damn cool Final Fantasy hero, and (squints at cue cards) T.L.'s masturbation fantasy...

Tifa:

Heero: ... sigh (pulls gun, points at his temples, and discharges it)

Tifa: Heero-san is DEAD! So, I'll interview Cloudie! Cloud, how did you feel about losing the match?

Cloud: It sucked. I never got my money.

Tifa: What were your thoughts when you accidentally killed Aeris the slum drunk?

Cloud: Gah, shift happens.

Tifa: You know, that scar on your face makes you look sooooo (...) handsome!

Cloud: Really?

Tifa: Yes. (leads Cloud by the hand into a toilet stall and gives him what he'll remember as the best 35 minutes of his life)

Barret: Okay, since Tifa's busy making teh sex0rs with Cloud, I'll fill in what the suicide jackass was to do. Next whiny loser, Rei Hino.

Rei: Shut up.

Barret: So, your Senshi powers were no match for Kirby's Vac-U-Suck breath. Why was that?

Rei: I t-

Barret: YOU WERE WEAK

Rei: NO I WASNT

Serge: (tries to strangle himself with his bandanna)

Michiru: (takes violin bow and tries to slit her wrists with it)

Barret: So, why did you lose?

Rei: Because Kirby didn't incinerate fast enough! If he did, I'd be making smores right now!

Barret: MMMMMMMmmmmhhhhmmmmmmmmm

Barret: Third LOSER of the moment, Jigglyfoo', as Mr. T would call him. Why did you lose, #39?!

Jigglypuff: Puuffff. Pupuff. Jiiggly. [Because I suck as a Pokemon, and Clefairy is my new god. Waaaaaah]

Barret: I couldn't agree with Gigolopuff more.

Jigglypuff: =(

Barret: So, I'll leave you to make like Island Boy and Miss Lesbo over there.

Serge: (stops strangling himself)

Michiru: (pulls bow away from wrist) WHAT did you just say?!

Serge: (draws Spectra Swallow and charges Barret) Nobody calls ME Island Boy and lives to tell about it &%$#&!!

Barret: Who the...?! (raises gunarm and fires blindly)

Ryo's body: (gets riddled by the small-arms fire, bleeds even more)

Serge: VIOLINS

Michiru: Yes! Violins! (plays a song on her violin)

Serge and Barret: ....

Michiru: (stops playing) ...What?..... Ohhh, you meant VIOLENCE! I get it! (smashes violin across Barret's face) Now, finish your job!

Barret: Yessum. Loser numero quattro, Clefairy, the Shinra of Pokecritters.

Clefairy: Faaaiirry! []

Barret: Whatever. Clefairy, how could you be bested by a shy demure Japanese woman?! With blue hair, no less!

Clefairy: Cle. [I was-]

Snorb: DISTRACTED BY AMI'S SEXY ASS

(Snorb and Matt are both being seen struggling to the judge's stand in casts)

Michiru: How the hell did you get back here so soon?

Announcer: Ya.

Serge: (nods)

Clefairy: Clefa [Ya]

James: ... What? Huh?

Barret: Ya.

Crowd: Ya.

(Camera focuses in on Snorb's face and a silence is heard)

Snorb: ... well...

Everyone else: ...

Snorb: uh...

Matt: How 'bout them Yankees?

Crowd: (cheers)

(Barren Wastelands)

Sun: (falls down)

(Arena)

Michiru: Hey! WAIT A SECOND!

Announcer: What is it now?

Michiru: I almost forgot to ask. How in the hell are some of these losers still alive? I mean wasn't Rei blown to oblivion?

Snorb: Hey! I wanna b-

Matt: (slaps Snorb in the head)

Michiru: And Cloud.

(stall)

Cloud: (major sweatdrops) YES! YES!

(backstage)

Michiru: How could he come-

(stall)

Tifa: YEEEEEEEEEEEES!

(backstage)

Michiru: -back from a puddle of blood?

Announcer: There is a perfectly good explanation for that. (walks away)

Barret: Ooooooookay. Like I was saying, how could you lose to Ami?

Clefairy: Clef. Clefairy fairy faaaaaiiiirrrrrrry. Cle. Fairy fair clefairy cleeeeeee. [I accidentally fired about 900 Gravitonne7s at my chin. It hurt. A lot. Ami's 900 Gravitonne7s didn't help me much, either.]

Barret: So, you suicided. Am I right?

Clefairy: Clef. (nods)

Serge: (mumbling) Moron...

Clefairy: ???

Serge: (shakes head)

Barret: Fuck this, I quit. You guys interview Link.

Serge: sigh (nods)

Michiru: (leads Link in on a leash)

Serge: (points to picture of Cloud)

Link: Grrrrr.... GRRRR... growl (nearly claws the picture apart. Michiru yanks the leash back)

Serge: (draws Mastermune, strikes pose)

Link: (nods) Grrrrr!!! growl! snort!

Matt: (pats Link on the head) good doggie

James: (holds out a biscuit)

Link: (Pants)

Michiru: (in a baby voice) Are we going to see some blood and gore today?

Link: (stands up and speaks in a deep English ascent) Seriously, I really don't see why you people enjoy such nonsense. But if it makes you happy, then by all means, yes. (takes out a pair of glasses, wipes them with handkerchief, puts them away and gets back on his knees)

James: Awwwww isn't that cute (throws him the biscuit)

Matt: Ya know. Sometimes I think he can really understand us.

Serge: (rolls eyes)

Announcer: Okay, the next bout better be good- the fans demand blood after that Ring-out-athon.

James: Serge, I don't like the ring outs. Should we keep them?

Serge: (puts on executioner's hood, and gives the thumbs down)

James: I see. Michi?

Michiru: Hell no. Make the fights FIGHTS, not some pansy Tekken wannabe.

James: What's Tekken?

Serge: (hits James with Spectra Swallow)

[Fight Five: Vegeta vs. Kirby: WHYYYYYYYYYYY]

Kirby: !!!

(Glass-shattering shrieks can be heard coming from the bathroom were we last left Cloud and Tifa)

(somewhere)

Sun: Too much info! Why do you, the author, have to put me through such strife!

[You already asked me that. As of now, it looks like Tifa's putting Strife through herself!]

Sun: (shouts upwards at sky) TOO MUUUUCCCHHHHH!

Old Fart #1: Heh, he's shouting at the sky.

Old Fart #2: Call the Men In White.

Siren: NEE OHH NEE OHH NEE OHH

Sun: OHH FUX

(arena.)

Vegeta: FIIINAL FLASH! (ki blasts Kirby, who is smashed by the blast. Surprise, surprise. He's still alive.)

Kirby: Eyaaaah... (pulls Final Cutter) Umph! (slams ground, fires a blast from the Final Cutter)

Vegeta: Wow. That was so not hurtful.

Kirby: Wooooosh! (sucks in Vegeta, ducks, and spits out Vegeta) Fi'al Fla'h! (releases a mini-ki blast, and does the impossible- knock Vegeta on his arse!)

Vegeta: Ow, damn you!

Kirby: (petrifies above Vegeta, and lands on his head)

Vegeta: For the ninth time in my life, I am pissed off! F I N A L  F L A S H!!!

Kirby: Fi'al Fla'h! (both ki blasts fizzle out)

Kirby: (punches Vegeta)

Vegeta: Eat boot, pal! (punts Kirby in the but with a giant cowboy boot)

Kirby: AAAGHHHH! Owww! Oh, woe is meeee! Woe is my ass!

Crowd: (laughing and pointing)

Kirby: Waaaaaah! (runs around)

Crowd member 712: Hehehe (throws an axe to Vegeta)

Vegeta: Thanks. (runs around in a circle after Kirby)

Michiru: Heh, he's gettin' a tad close to that circle.

James: What's the circle for? It's not the Mark of Samael, is it?

Serge: (slaps forehead)

Michiru: No. In case a contestant crosses that circle, they are "accidentally" shot to death with the lasers from Akira.

Serge: (points to sharpshooters in stands questioningly)

Michiru: Ah, yes. Snipers, are you ready?

Zoah: I AM READY.

Minako: Yep. Ready. Nervous trigger finger.

Vegeta: BAM BABBY! (slices off both Kirby's arms and his head)

Crowd: (Gasps)

Vegeta: Hehehe. (starts to walk away)

(Kirby's corpse starts to move)

Vegeta: What the Fuck!?

Kirby: (walks lifelessly around the ring toward vegeta)

Crowd: O.o

James: What? Never seen a headless, armless, living dead thing before?

Serge: (shakes head)

Vegeta: (runs in a rage at Kirby)

Kirby: (turns into rock)

Vegeta: (trips, and lands halfway outside the line)

Sgt. Pruitt (Play Police Quest V, people!): Green light!

(held cell of the stadium. Several bursts of assault laser fire are heard for a few minutes.)

Vegeta: (gets up, missing the back of his head and his left arm) Ouchies.

Kirby: !!!

Michiru: That sly butterball of a kid. (laughs) He kinda reminds me of myself, when I was a little boy.

Matt, Serge and Snorb: O.o

Vegeta: (looks at stomach) Hey, I've got a wound the size of a grapefruit in my gut that would ruin anyone else's day. Kirby?

Kirby: (talking through it's neck) Yes?

Vegeta: Did you do this?

Kirby: [I cannot tell a lie, but I shall anyway!] ...... "Yes."

Vegeta: DIIIIIEEE!.... Bah, who am I trying to kid? (fumps over, deader than Frieza)

Serge: HOLY SHIT!

Michiru: Kirby won another fight!

Announcer: Why must I have to disappoint the fans? Kirby wins.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(a very fat guy gets up from his chair in the audience)

Buu: (sreams) WHAT!?!?

Crowd: O.O

(silence)

Buu: (fades to just outside the ring)

Kirby: !!! (braces himself)

Buu: (zaps Kirby with pink rays. Apparently not trying to hurt him, the rays regenerate Kirby's arms and his head pops back up)

Kirby: (softly) Thank you.

Buu: (smiles) No prob, lill' buddy.

(A man dressed like Tetsuo gets out of the stands, and walks to Vegeta's body)

Serge: (raises eyebrow questioningly)

Buu: (Glares at the man)

James: What's goin' on? Mary? Is that you?

Michiru: Deep Submer- (Serge kisses her) Why, Serge! I didn't know you cared!

Serge: (shakes head)

Michiru: So, you don't care. Good, neither do I.

Serge: =(.... I think.

Tetsuo: Heh, didn't stand a chance. (rips Vegeta's head off, revealing... Squall!)

Squall: .....ow...ow....OW..... xX.

Michiru: But, who's that?!

Tetsuo: (rips mask off, revealing... Vegeta!)

James: Okay. Veggiehead wins. I guess. I know nothing.

Serge: (snickers)

Michiru: What? What's so funny, Serge?

Serge: (shakes head)

James: Wait. Never mind. I guess the fight will go on.

Michiru: Man. This fight has really shouldn't take this long.

Snorb: This is exactly why DBZ fans affectionately call it "Drag-on ball Z".

Buu: (grins)

Kirby: You're a dead man vegetable boy!

Buu: (shoots a red ray out of his "head thingie" at Vegeta)

Vegeta: (holds up mirror and the beam flys back at Kirby who is amazingly turned into a carrot)

Crowd: (smiles)

Vegeta: What? Kakarott! Is that you!? No it can't be! After all these years you have...

(6 hours later)

Vegeta: ...and which brings me to today. (pauses) Lets fight Kakarott!

Kirby: ...

Vegeta: Wait! You're not Kakarott, you mimicking ASS HOLE! (runs up to Kirby and pops him in his mouth) hehe.

Buu: O.O (crys and runs away)

Snorb: ZZZZZzzzz... huh? Wa?

Matt: And the Veg man wins!

Vegeta: Well, who thought that I, Vegeta, could actually lose?!

James: (raises his hand)

(3 seconds later)

Michiru: Do you have to kill EVERYONE who disagrees with you, Vegeta?!

Vegeta: In a word, yes.

Matt: Why didn't you fight earlier anyway?

Vegeta: ...

(Camera zooms in to his face)

Vegeta: (Smiles innocently) How 'bout them diamondbacks?

Everyone: O.O

Vegeta: ...

Link: (growls)

STANDINGZ

Vegeta              Vegeta         

Cloud             /                      Vegeta

Kirby              Kirby            /

Sailor Mars      /

Trunks              Trunks               

Jigglypuff          /                         

Clefairy             Sailor Mercury       /

Sailor Mercury       /

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link      

Cloud      /                

               Sailor Mars   /

                                  Jigglypuff   /

                                                  Clefairy  /

                                                                 Kirby  /


	4. OMG! WTF 1

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 4

Friday, November 16, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

Announcer: So, getting back on track here, since our judges have a rather high casualty rate, I'm gonna have to ask you to sign some forms.

Serge: oO?

Michiru: Yeah, Serge! What's the problem?

Announcer: Standard waiver/liability forms.

Serge: (puts on reading glasses, reads to himself) I, the undersigned, hereby give myself to Squaresoft, Pioneer Entertainment, FUNimation America, and Sony Computer Entertainment America. (removes glasses) D:

Michiru: Serge, they already own us.

Serge: (hopeful glance)

Announcer: (sweatdrops) So, they're already null and void?

Serge: (nods)

Michiru: What he s-...um, can I say you said that?

Serge: (nods)

Michiru: What he said before that.

Announcer: Well, we need to keep the number of judges odd just incase there is a tie. Sooooo... it looks like we need 1 more to make 5, seeing as you killed the last two.

Serge: (shakes head alarmedly)

Michiru: Hey, we killed HARRY! James is Vegeta's involuntary manslaughter case- not ours!

Serge: whew! (wipes brow)

Announcer: sigh Okay... video game reps don't quite work out...

Serge: (kicks over table, draws Spectra Swallow)

Announcer: Maybe they do. But, we still need an unbiased third judge... where can we get one on such short notice...?

(toilet stalls)

Goku: Ah, geez! I really shouldn't have challenged that Dincht nut to a hot dog eating contest! (embarrassingly disgusting wet fart noises)

Tifa: (next stall over) Ohhh.. oh, CLOUD! OHH, YES!

Goku: ...Umm... do you have any toilet paper over there...? Or porno mags? (The Final Fantasy IV PornoMag/Smut slides into Goku's stall) Thanks, sir... I think.

Cloud: (in Tifa's stall) Ahh... AHHHH!

Goku: Anyway, what was I saying? Ah, yeah. If I ever see that Zell Dincht again, I'm gonna challenge him to a rematch! Nobody outeats me!... unless your name is Usagi Tsukino... but that's a whole other fanfic.

Announcer: (faint zipping sound, next stall over the other way) Yeah, Goke, you tell him! He doesn't even stand a chance if he chopped that mop and belt-sanded that tattoo off his face! (flushes toilet)

Cloud: Yeah, what is that thing?! Squall explained it to me once... said it was supposed to be Tenchi Muyo, or something.

Announcer: Anyways, before the crowd degenerates into a soccer riot, we need a fifth judge. Any takers?

Tifa: OH, YES! GOD, YES!

Announcer: Really, you'll do it, Tifa?

Tifa: No... no, Cloud...

Goku: She's biased, man! She's been in there with Cloud giving him an for the past two hours.... waitaminnit... SHE?! Am I in the right bathroom?!

Announcer: Wait. Wasn't it only supposed to be 35 minuets?

Goku: Ya well... in anime... 35 minuets could be 35 days, 35 hours, 35 seconds. Remember when I was fighting Frieza? 5 minuets must have taken like 8 episodes. But you know. It was soooooo dragged out. I mean some of the characters would just keep repeating things over and over and over until someone just wanted to kick the crap out of um.

Announcer: ya w-

Goku: They kept interrupting people too, saying the same thing, and all this other stuff over and over and over until someone just wanted to kick the cr-

(a loud clang is heard from the bathroom)

(paddywagon)

Sun: (collapses to the ground, starts weeping uncontrollably) Why, author?! WHY must you degrade every character?!

Orderly: Because I don't like you!

Driver: Yeah, you tell him.

(all look out windshield)

Sun and Orderly: TURN RIGHT!!!

Driver: Why...? Oh, shit.

Alessa: (covers face Silent Hill-esque, and is promptly run down in a most unSilent Hill-like fashion. The paddywagon then plows into a street sign and explodes, killing the driver and orderly. Sun is unhurt.)

Sun: Ha haaa! Freedom at last! (rips out of straitjacket)

Sign: 12 Miles to Arena. 9 Feet to Uncle Bill's Insane Asylum.

Sun: Hmm. I can't read it. All thoughs dam drugs they "forced" me to take must be kicking in. (nods with eyes rolled in head) But which way should I go?! Ah, I'll use my psychic intuition! ..... KAAAANEEEEDAAAA!

(arena)

Voice: eedaaa...aaa...aaa...!

Snorb: What the?

Matt: Sounds familiar. Lemme see... TEEETTSSUUUOOOOO!

(crazy Flambe!)

Voice: tsuuoooo...ooooo..oooo...!

Sun: (follows the voice while shouting "KANEDA" repeatedly)

(arena)

[Fight Six: Trunks vs. Sailor Mercury: Trunks: Intelligence over strength, eh? Not on MY watch!]

Goku: (kicks down bathroom door, pulls pants up, and removes toilet paper from foot, in that order) Insula! Keioh! I'm ready!

Serge: (gives thumbs up)

Michiru: Great. Sit down in that blood-stained seat between us.

Goku: Hm. Bit moist. Did the last judge have an accident?

Serge: (bigsweats) Err... you could say that...

Goku: Funny, Serge. Thought they said you never say a word when in a party of five.

Serge: (nods)

Michiru and Goku: (fall over)

Crowd member 1823: Good God!

Judges: Huh?

Crowd member 1823: I can't take this anymore! (the beautiful girl dematerializes to the judges stand) Are these the best judges you could find?

Michiru: You bi- (before she can finish her sentence she is blown to bits)

Crowd member 1823: (Smiles evilly)

Announcer: Get over here now! (runs over to her) What do you think you are doing!?

Crowd member 1823: Excuse my French but... these guys suck! I just couldn't take it anymore!

Announcer: Hey I know there are probably a ton of anime characters in this arena that could take all of us out. (points his finger across the audience) But they know they would have to suffer the consequences!

Crowd member 1823: And what exactly are those?

Announcer: Shhh! (quietly brings her to the corner) There really is no consequence. How can someone fend for himself among a bunch of desperate hard-core anime fans? I mean they are perfect! They are intelligent, dedicated, and sexy. (looks at camera and smiles) JUST GET UP THERE AND JUDGE!

Crowd member 1823: Fine.

Announcer: Ok. Due to some suicidal events-

Snorb: But she didn't kill herse-

Announcer: (pulls out silent hill playstation ray gun.

Snorb: Never mind

Announcer: Like I was saying. Now filling in is... What's your name anyway?

Crowd member 1823: (in dramatic voice) I'm the big brested, beautiful long brown haired and blue eyed Morgan, also known as Tox! (strikes a pose)

Announcer: Riggggggggghhhhht. Well it looks like our fighters are getting a little anxious.

(stall)

Tifa: YEEEEEEEEEEES!

(arena)

Trunks: ...Hey, I know you. You're Mako-chan's friend.

Ami: Yes, I am, Trunks. I rememer you, too.

Trunks: (grimaces) Yes, you would, would you? Ah, well.

Ami: (kicks Trunks in the genitals) Ouch!

Trunks: And I'm not even wearing a kick-proof jock.

Ami: Well, give me your best shot. We'll see what you can do.

Trunks: (pulls sword) FINAL FLAAASH! (Ami dives out of the way) Damn it! Why does that never work?!

Ami: You're predictable, Trunks! (pulls ice harp from her personal subspace) They say that music soothes the savage beast... let's see how you like the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!

Trunks: Never heard of it.

Ami: That's the name of my attack, Trunks. (starts playing the harp)

Serge: (shrugs, then turns bandanna backwards. Somehow.) YohomiesIbehangin'outinthehoodwithmybrosandmyhoesandwebetalkin''boutbustin' acapintheassesofafewcopsandwebegangbangin'sayheyhoIsayheyyousayhoheyhopeaceoutyo

Ami and Trunks: ....

Tox: Serge, what in the blue hell was THAT?!

Serge: =( sniffle (turns bandanna forward)

Goku: I thought it was pretty good.

Serge:

Snorb: Yeah, but Ice-T's "Cop Killer" doesn't exactly fit well with Beethoven's Ninth, y'know, Goku?

Serge: =(

Goku: You've been saying that a lot lately, Serge.

Serge: (nods)

Trunks: Umm... could we?

Ami: (looks at harp, then looks at Serge) Mister Insula?

Serge: (looks up)

Ami: I'm going to borrow this for a little while, okay?

Serge: (hugs Spectra Swallow protectively)

Ami: Oh, Serge, it's not like you don't have the Mastermune to threaten people with!

Serge: ...(gives her the Spectra Swallow)

Ami: Thank you, Serge.

Serge: (whisper, whisper, mumble)

Ami: I will, Serge! Don't worry!

Trunks: .... (trims fingernails)

Ami: (twirls Spectra Swallow) Now, let's see what this thing can do! (charges Trunks, and hits him in the face with the swallow)

Sound: CRACK

Serge: NOOOOOOO! Dear GOD, NO! Sweet merciful CRAP! My Spectra Swallow!

Tox: Cheer up, Serge! I'll buy you another one!

Serge: (shakes head, opens hand)

Tox: Oh fine. (gives Serge some money) Don't spend it all on one swallow, okay, Sergey?

Serge: (blushes and nods)

Ami: Maybe you should tell him I just chipped it a little, Trunks.

Trunks: Maybe not. FIINAL...

Ami: (raises the chipped swallow in front of her face)

Trunks: FLAAASHHH! (the flash hits the Spectra Swallow, and deflects into the ground, causing an earthquake.)

Ami: (looks around uneasily) H...How did I survive that?... The Spectra Swallow?...

Trunks: (stares at Ami)

Ami: Trunks?... (looks at crowd) Why is half of the crowd... (squints) nosebleeding? And why is Snorb nosebleeding AND drooling?

Trunks: Umm... well, Ami. I'll put it this way. You uhhh... you've gotten slim.

Ami: (looks down. Aside from her tiara and earrings, she's bare-assed naked) Lemme guess. The Final Flash blast tore off my fuku, right?

Goku: (nods)

Ami: ...can I get dressed?

Snorb: (panting) Leave and lose, Ami.

Ami: ...I see. Enjoy your victory, Trunks.

Trunks: Whaddya mean, "enjoy my victory?" (Ami runs) HEY! Get back here! (chases Ami, grabs her by the feet, and hammerthrows her into the locker room.)

Serge: (unwraps new Spectra Swallow)

Tox: See, Serge? It's not so bad to have a new one... now, where's my change?

Serge: oO (drops a quarter on the table)

Tox: Hmm. Swallows are getting more expensive these days.

Serge: (points at Goku, who is eating fifty steaks and pizzas)

Goku: Whaf? I ashfed him if he good buy me a snahk or two!

Tox: Serge, never buy Saiyans "a little bit" of food. Their midnight snack is the entire Pathmark stockroom.

Serge: --

Goku: She stihl lhakes you, Serfe. (swallows food)

Tox: Platonically.

Serge:

Announcer: And now, ladles and jellyspoons, it's time for the final fight of the Winner's Bracket! The winner of this fight gets a shot at... our grand prize! Judges, tell them about our prize!

(spotlight on a trophy and some money)

Goku: Well, Announcer, the first-place winner gets a spiffy plastic trophy and $1.34 in change!

Serge: (holds up piece of paper with the trophy being used as a pencil holder, a wine glass, and a muzzle, signed "S. Insula 2k1 ")

Snorb: And this $1.34 is... geez... roughly equivalent to... (thinks) Ami? How much is it in yen?

Ami: (dazedly) Y150.08... my fRienD... 150.08.... woW... my hEaD huRTs... (faint)

Snorb: Like Ami said, $1.34US= Y150.08... meaning it's next to worthless in Japan. How much is that in Gil, Announcer?

Announcer: 5000 Gil, of course!

...

(Nowhere special.)

Sun: (reaches turnstile) Hah, I'm -there!- Finally! (The stadium then picks itself out of the ground, and flies Balamb Garden-like to another random location) Pax! I thought I had it for SURE that time! Dammit!

Siren: NEE OHH NEE OHH NEE OHH... You get the idea, don't you?

[Fight Seven: Vegeta vs. Trunks- Winner's Champion: Thirty Episodes Later...]

Goku: Surprise, surprise. Two Saiyans ready to bash each other's brains out to see who wins that crap.

Serge: (rolls eyes)

Vegeta: Trunks.

Trunks: Vegeta.

Announcer: FIIIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTT!!!

(Vegeta punches Trunks who punches Vegeta who punches Trunks who punches Vegeta who punches Trunks who punches Vegeta who punches Trunks who punches... etc.)

Serge: ZZZzzz...

Tox: I concur. Yawn.

Goku: I dunno, Tox. This is actually kind of exciting.

Tox: Goku, look that way, please. (Goku looks forward) NO, IT ISN'T!

Goku: YES IT IS

Tox: OHH DEAR

Trunks: Final Flash! (fires ki blast)

Vegeta: Here's one of my own! Final Flash! (fires BIGGER ki blast)

Trunks: Holy FUUUGHHHH! (Vegeta's blast envelops Trunks's blast. And Trunks, who is badly scorched. The blast keeps on going, targeting one certain fourteen-year old in the stands...)

Hotaru: (eats popcorn) Oh, dear. That giant ki blast is heading my way. (gets blasted by it) (transforms into Sailor Saturn) That's it, you two! I've had enough of your bickering! Deaaathhh....

Serge: (goes wide eyed with horror)

Snorb: Oh, SHIT! She's gonna say it!

Goku and Matt: Say what?

Hotaru: Reeeeborrnn...

Goku: What's she saying?

Snorb: Don't you read the mangas?! This is Death Reborn Revolution! The Senshi attack OF Senshi attacks! THIS is The Big One!

Goku: I don't follow you.

Serge: (clasps hands together, representing Earth.) Death Reborn Revolution! Ka-POW! (seperates hands quickly)

Goku: Um...

Hotaru: Reeevooolluuutioooonnnnn!

(Just before the Earth blasts itself into protomatter, Goku is heard mumbling a faint, "Aw, dragon balls!". However, some malevolent force puts the Earth back as if the massive matter/antimatter explosion never happened... sort of.)

Trunks: Wow. That hurt. A lot.

Vegeta: And I thought to this day I couldn't feel pain.

Trunks: I LOVE YOU, DAD!

Vegeta: I LOVE YOU TOO, SON! (both hug. Just then, a crowd member in an orange coat gets up from his seat)

Crowd member 666: (muffle muffle muffle)

Vegeta: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!?

Crowd member 666: (MUFFLE MUFFLE)!!

Vegeta: YOU PIECE O' SHIT! (fires ki blast, scatering the helpless third grader all over)

Crowd: O.O (simaltaniusly) OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY!

Snorb: ZZZZzzz... Huh? Oh. YOU BASTERD.

(all the crowd members get out of their seats and swarm Vegeta. When they clear out, licked dry bones is all that remains of the proud Saiyan prince)

Goku: Y'know, there's one bad thing about being a Z fighter.

Serge: (questioning glance)

Tox: The GT fighters replace you eventually?

Goku: No.

Snorb: Your best friends always die?

Goku: No.

Matt: You always win?

(everyone stares at Matt)

Goku: No! you have a 73% chance of dying in battle. Looks like Vegeta rolled a 72 on the 100-sided dice of life.

Snorb: That's a dam big die.

Tox: Serge, translate that into something other than obscure Dungeons and Dragons terminology.

Serge: (rolls eyes into back of head, crosses arms on chest, sticks out tounge)

Tox: So, Trunks wins?

Serge: (nods)

Announcer: And there you have it, folks! Our undefeated winner- Trunks!

Trunks: . I... I'm happy yet sad. How will i survive without my father!?

Serge: (gives trunks some left over rapping paper)

Trunks: . (sits on the floor and starts playing with it)

Announcer: For now, our battlers shall rest. Tomorrow, we start... the Loser's Tournament!

-----------------------------------------------

WINNERS ELIMINATION

Vegeta         

Cloud           /     Vegeta 

Kirby                              Vegeta      

Sailor Mars     /      Kirby  /                    

Trunks                                                TRUNKS

Jigglypuff     /    Trunks                        /

Clefairy                                Trunks  /

Sailor Mercury  /   Sailor Mercury  /

LOSERS ELIMINATION

Link  

Cloud  /

          Rei /

                  Jigglypuff /

                                Clefairy /

                                            Kirby /

                                                    Ami /

                                                         Vegeta /


	5. The moron of time

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 5

Sunday, December 2, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?

((((((((((((((((((( SPECIAL NOTE (((((((((((((((((((

For this part, the character names that indicate who's saying what describe the PHYSICAL form. (just like THAT PART in Chrono Cross.)

((((((((((((((((((( SPECIAL NOTE (((((((((((((((((((

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

Announcer: And we're back, ladies and gentlemen! Yesterday, or as close you'll get to it in the anime world, as I'm sure you all saw, Trunks defeated Vegeta with the help of a rather convenient mob formation! Let's see that footage again, folks!

(footage of Vegeta being torn limb from limb by the crowd)

Announcer: ...Okay... so, after much ado and suffering, here's the second half of our not-so-exciting...

Serge:

Tox: You've got that right, Sergey-poo!

(suddenly, a fan kicks down the door)

Josh: NO NO NO YOURE DOING IT WRONG YOU STPPID PPLZ LOLZ

Snorb: Oh, great. What do YOU want?

Goku: OMG! It's a crazed fan speaking cheap slang who's here to kill us all!! (curls up and rocks back and forth)

Josh: Do you even know what a battle royal is?!

Serge: DN, DC.

Josh: Huh?!

Serge: (shakes head)

Josh: YOU GET 20 PPLZ AND YOU PUT 4 IN THE RING AND YOU ADD...

Tox: Kid, your "AOL NEWbee" accent is REALLY starting to irk me. AND WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HATH BEEN IRKED

Serge: =(

Tox: If I abuse my powers, Serge, then I can't use them for thirty-seven hours.

Serge: TT

Matt: Funny- Bob Barker says that about Range Game all the time.

Josh: FIX IT OR ELSE

Snorb: Get lost, HF.

Josh: Fuck you, AF.

(the two start knock-down drag-out fighting in the booth)

Serge: VIOLINS

Tox: (looks at Michiru's violin) Maybe I should give this back to her. (teleports it away)

Matt: How are we going to stop those two from killing each other?

Tox: I can't implode his head, (thinks) Boo-lick.

Matt: AAARRRRGGHHH! (poses) GF Mister T!

Mr. T: I pity da foo'!

Judges: Aw, shit! We're DONE for!

Mr. T: I'm gonna throw you helluva far, so quit yer jibba' jabbin'!

Josh: (poses) GF Kurt AAaaaaggghh! (Mr. T throws Josh helluva far)

Snorb: Matt, does your vocabulary include the word "Overkill"?

Matt: Nope.

Goku: How 'bout "Kill-Grilled"?

Matt: Sorry.

Serge: (lifts eyebrow)

Matt: I don't know -what- you just asked me, but I'm fairly sure the answer is no.

Serge: =(

Tox: This must be why DBZ was so popular.

Goku: No. The reason it was popular was because of how life-like it was.

Matt: Ya. I see aliens shooting energy blasts from their fingertips everyday.

Goku: Not like that. I mean how they grow and stuff. Not like The Rugrats(tm) who have been in diapers for 7 years.

Serge: (looks around innocently)

Goku: Damn Nickelodeon(tm)

Snorb: Yes, I know what you mean. Cartoon Network and FUNimation do a much better job. (smiles at the cameras)

Serge: cough Suck up cough

Snorb: HEY! Your job is done Serge. Go. Go back to Arni Village and Leena.

Serge: Shoot me. Life has no meaning.

Everyone: ...

Serge: (starts shaking head rapidly)

Matt: Okay. Go back to the Another World and find Kid, then. Or Miki. Or Riddel. Hell, find Irenes. I don't care.

Serge: ...    ...      ...   (shakes head)

Snorb: Okay. He isn't even REMOTELY aroused by the four best-drawn girls in Chrono Cross.

Serge: (shakes head, writes on a piece of paper)

Matt: (reads paper) "I'm waiting for a friend of mine to pick me up." Oh.

(just then, a Chocobo kicks down the door. A green-haired woman dismounts.)

Terra: Ready to go, Sergey dear?

Serge: (blushes, nods, and s at the same time)

Matt: What- you know her?

Serge: She's my girlfriend!

Terra: Ever since Square let us fraternize with characters from other games.

Matt: This is too weird to be happening.

Terra: Okay. Let's go, then!

Serge: (waves goodbye to everyone, and gropes Terra)

(Somewhere)

(a big white van with "Paddywagon II" written on the side pulls up to the nutzo Sun)

Sun: (unintelligible screaming)

Driver #2: (steps out of van) Ok Sun... take it easy, we are not gonna hurt you.

Orderly #2: That's right Sun. (hides shotgun behind his back)

Sun: Agghhhghghg!!!! That stadium took off just as I got there, those bastards! See if I let them view my website again!

Driver & Orderly: (wrestle Sun to the ground and drag him into the van)

Driver: What a nut job. Hey. Why do you think he was talking about viewing a website?

Orderly: I don't know. Probably some stupid thing this bozo made up. I mean everyone knows that the so-called "Internet" was abolished in the 2040's for causing momentary displacement in the unknown multi-verse molecular carbonating system)

Driver: (nods) Yup.

(arena)

Matt: Huh. No wonder why Serge liked Michiru so much.

Snorb: Michi DID look like Terra, but with no ponytail, darker skin, and larger eyes.

Goku: (looks at Serge's judgecam while eating the Kentucky Fried Chocobo) Umm... okay. Whatever we do, let's NOT cut to Serge's cam.

Matt: Why not?

Goku: Because he and the green-haired girl from Final Fantasy VI are doing what the guy and the big-chested girl from Final Fantasy VII were... or most likely still are... doing in the john.

Snorb: So what?

Goku: And he took his camera with him! Whatever we do, don't ANYBODY cut to Insula's minicam!

(semidramatic pause)

Snorb: But, Terra Brancore's naked breasts equal good ratings!

Matt: Serge Insula's millimeter peter equals BAD ratings!

Goku: Long repetitive action sequences serving no point but to show a fight equals NO ratings!

Matt and Snorb: (snicker)

Goku: What? Why are you staring at me?

Snorb: Look, guys, I got just one request, but this is for the next fighters.

Goku: Fine. What is it?

Snorb: Hurry the hell up! We want to see a fight!

Goku: Yeah! Let's see horrendous needless violence!

Matt: (raises Pheonix Cannon) Somebody kill someone else NOW, or I'll use this!

Serge: (points at Tox)

Tox: Yep. Keioh sucked as a judge, Neptunian princess, and general violinist, so I'm filling in for her permanently! Aaaand, I also wanna get in bed with you (points at Goku) and you (at Matt) and you (at Snorb) and you (at Serge's camera) and you (at Announcer) and you (at Cloud), but you down there in the green can REMAIN a virgin (at Link).

Matt: (to Goku who is scarfing down a chicken legs) Put it in your mouth and let the meat slide down your throat. (to Tox who has started undressing Serge) Not you!

Announcer: Now that our long expository dialogue is finished, can we start the fucking fight?!

Matt: Oh, yeah. Fire it up.

[Fight Eight: Link vs. Cloud: Crazed Men Sharp Pointy Weapons = Many A Rent Off Limb]

Cloud: Ready, Link?

Link: (foams at mouth, starts growling and twirling Master Sword)

Cloud: Fine! Heeiiiyaaaaah! (The two charge each other, and Cloud swings a hastily re-glued Ultima Weapon)

Link: Ha haaa! It's only a flesh wound!

Cloud: (looks at Link) Link, you've lost your left arm!

Link: (picks up Master Sword) So what? Is that the best you can do?! (charges Cloud, who swings again)

Sounds: SHING! (crunch!) THUD.

Link: Ha! That was but a mere scratch!

Cloud: (sweatdrops) I just cut off your other arm, Link. Now what are you gonna do?

Link: (runs up to Cloud) Umm... I can still bleed on you! (bleeds on Cloud's SOLDIER uniform)

Cloud: Please don't do that. This thing is hell for me to dryclean.

Link: Bah, spoilsport! (starts growling again)

Cloud: Pfeh. This fight is over.

Link: (kicks Cloud in the butt) Ha! Haaave at you!

Cloud: What the hell?!

Link: C'mon! (kick) Gimme your best shot! (punt) If you're prepared for the void!

Cloud: (picks up Master Sword) Fine. (sch-WING!)

Link: (hobbling around on one remaining leg Cloud didn't rip off) Keep it comin', pansy! I am unstoppable!

Cloud: (cuts off Link's other leg) Idiot. (starts to walk away)

Link: Hey! (hobble) Get back here, YOU BLUDDY BASTARD

Tox: ... This is what you DO all day? And you're fine with all this?

Snorb: Yep.

Matt: Uh-huh.

Goku: Yeah. If you're wandering around down there, then you're expected to fight to the death for the amusement of the judges- us four being...

Matt: FOUR?!

Snorb: AN EVEN NUMBER?!

Goku: Ugh... sorry.

Tox: Well, we can kill one of us, or we can get Ghost Boy back here.

Serge: (far away) I'm not DEEAAAAD!

Tox: Fine. (teleports Serge in, who is wearing Terra's tank top instead of his vest.)

Serge: ... =(

Tox: What?!

Matt: He said, "Why did you teleport me away from my girlfriend?"

Tox: We had a dearth of judges. And I like your six-pack. Terra's top really accentuates it.

Serge: Well, I HAVE been working out... heh...

Snorb: Yes, Serge, take your seat. You're back.

Serge: (pumps fist in the air while sitting. Matt thinks he hears him shout "Hell yeah! Hell YEAH!")

Snorb: Hey Matt. I bet you $100 Link circumcises cloud big time.

Matt: What are you nutz!? The man's quadriplegic for peat's sake!

Snorb: Ya... but he's got spunk.

Matt: Fine. Deal. (turns away) Spunk my ass.

Everyone: O.o

Matt: (realizes) WAIT! I mean... (two zombies with triangle shaped heads make their way to Matt and impale him from behind) WWWWWWWOOOOOooooooooaaaaaaAAAAAAAAOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!

(Zombies walk away)

Tox: Hey Matt! You took that like a man! (holds hands apart) I mean that thing was like THAT big)

Matt: O.O (tries to sit down, but after no success... continues standing)

Link: Hey, Cloud! You're just gonna walk away from me, because I'm a superior opponent?

Cloud: Link, two things. One, I'm 21 years old, and a trained mercenary. You're seventeen years old, and have absolutely no idea how in the hell to even use a Kokiri Sword, no less the Sword of Time. Two, if you're the superior opponent, how come you're the quadrapeligic and I'm not?

Link: Beginner's luck!

Cloud: (kicks Link in the chest, knocking him down) Call THAT beginner's luck.

Link: (notices Ocarina fell out of his pocket) No so fast, Strife! I still have an ace up my sleeve! (plays C C C, and his limbs reform)

Serge: OO

Matt: How in the...?!

Snorb: Can the Song of Healing do THAT?!

Matt: If it can fix signs, then it'll laugh at torn off limbs!

Tox: Boo! Hiss! You suck llama scrotum, Link!

Serge: (licks his fingers, then flips off Link)

Goku: Get lost, Hylian!

Link: (picks up Ocarina) Cloud, this fight ain't over yet! (plays CV C C, and Saria appears)

Saria: Eat lead, human! (pulls machine gun, and fires at Cloud)

Cloud: (gets shot. A white "6" appears over his head)

Link: Keep firing!

Cloud: No, no... if those are the rules we're fighting by, then it's my turn! (slashes Saria, who turns red and fades into oblivion)

Link: You killed Saria!

Cloud: It's not you liked her, or anything, Link. Grab a grip, pal.

Link: Fuck you! DIE! (charges Cloud, who dodges)

Cloud: This is just getting boring. Okay, Serge.

Serge: (looks at Cloud)

Cloud: I don't like you, and you don't like me.

Serge: (whisper mumble psst)

Cloud: Oh, so you DO like me! Okay, we're friends again!

Serge and Cloud:

Cloud: NEWaaaays, I need to borrow some Elements.

Serge: (questioning glance)

Cloud: You know what, screw it. I'll just borrow YOU. Look into this replica Dragon's Tear.

Serge: (looks into it)

Cloud: (looks into it. A high pitched whining is heard, and they both collapse.)

Tox: Serge! Are you all right?!

Cloud: (gets up, blinks rapidly for a few seconds then nods)

Matt: Good to hear. (double takes)

Snorb: Hey... did what I think happen just happen?!

Cloud: (nods again)

Serge: Hey, Serge, you've been working out! When I'm done hacking Link apart, I think I'll borrow your body for a bit longer and show it to Tifa...

Cloud: (throws away Ultima Weapon, and grabs Spectra Swallow)

Serge: (picks up Ultima Weapon) ...or not. I'll just make use of the facilities for a few minutes...

Link: Hey! Whomever I'm fighting had better get back here NOW, or they're in for a world-class whupping courtesy of ME!

Serge: Serge, teach me how to use Elements.

Cloud: (holds out glowing purple marble)

Serge: Fine. When we win, I'll teach you how to use Materia, all righty?

Cloud:

Goku: Okay, that's long enough! (picks up Serge, and throws him into the ring)

Serge: Now... what was that song?! Seeerggeee!

Link: Die, Strife! (charges Serge)

Cloud: (holds paper with "Yellow-Green-Red-Blue-Black-White" written on it)

Serge: Thanks, Serge! (poses) Upheaval! (a piece of rock smashes into Link's face)

Link: Ouch, dammit! I'm bleeding, asshole! (swings at Serge, who blocks with the Ultima Weapon)

Serge: (poses) Bushwhacker 6! (razor sharp leaves cut Link up)

Link: Ugh... damn you... I need a picker-upper...

Serge: (poses) MagmaBomb -1! (fireballs burn Link, but no real damage)

Link: Nayru! I need your love! (is healed by Nayru's Love)

Tox: What does he need the colors for, Serge?

Cloud: (makes flamelike gesture, then raises four fingers)

Snorb: He's got the first four notes down already?

Cloud: (nods)

Goku: Don't you have any Black Elements?

Cloud: (thinks, then nods)

Matt: Good. Just don't play with Cloud's Materia, okay, Serge?

Tox: Yeah, you'll screw up the pattern.

Serge: (poses) Hellbound! (sends Link to Hell and back, effectively doing nothing but provide a Black Element)

Matt: Just one more! Use a White, Cloud! Use a White!

(paddyshack)

Sun: I don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. With all this stuff about switching bodies and Elements and Serge talking and...

Doctor: Whoa! Serge SAID something?! Maybe he's not insane after all!

Crono: ...

Doctor: Ah, yes. Since you never said anything except in that slideshow ending, then Serge, by definition, must not say anything!

Sun: WTF?! That's the stupidest logic I've ever heard!

Crono: (draws Rainbow Katana)

Sun: Now I see where he gets it from.

(arena)

Serge: (poses) PhotonBeam! (zaps Link with a laser, doing little damage to him. Suddenly, something on his person starts glowing and making a faint chiming sound)

Cloud: (raises eyebrow, then gives Serge a thumbs up)

Link: My turn, pal! (pulls Great Fairy Sword, and slashes at Serge) Damn it! Why do I suck so much today?!

Matt: Will that screw up Cloud's plan?

Cloud: (shakes head)

Serge: (poses) Chrono Cross! (the Chrono Cross appears out of nowhere and plays the Song of Life. Link stupidly looks into it)

Link: Bah, you think a little frozen flame's gonna stop me?! Not a chance tonIIAAAAAGGGGHGGGGGGHHHH! (bursts into unholy blue flame)

Tox: Ah, I see! Because idiot boy looked at the Chrono Cross, now he's literally gonna get his ass kicked for all time!

Cloud: (nods)

Serge: Dammit, Serge! Say SOMETHING!

Cloud: =(

Serge: Ah, forget it.

Link: (screaming like a madman while all of the timelines regarding him are Time Compressed and merged into our timeline)

(five minutes later)

Chrono Cross: [Green] [Red] [Whiiite] Ding!

Serge: (stares at a charred scorch mark that used to be Link)

Cloud: (ditto.)

Serge: Jesus H.! What happened to him, Serge?!

Matt: Looks like he got Time Compressed. Pretty hurtful.

Goku: Yeah. Wouldn't faze a Saiyan, though!

Serge: Wanna bet?! (pulls the Chrono Cross and points it at Goku)

Goku: (sweatdrops) Maybe not.

Announcer: Dammit, now I'm all mixed up. Serge beat Link. But, thanks to your meddling with time, Link never existed. Therefore, it was predestined that Serge won the match.

Serge: Actually, I'm Cloud.

Goku: Besides, with Link having been wiped off the face of Forever, Cloud wins by default anyways.

Serge: Oh, that reminds me! Serge, look into the Tear again. (looks into it)

Cloud: (looks into it, and both collapse again)

Matt: Hey, y'all right, Serge?

Serge: (gets up, blinks a lot, and finally nods)

Cloud: Well, I'm back!

Serge: (thumbs ups Cloud)

Cloud: Yeah, man! (the two punch each other's fist)

Tox, Matt, Snorb, and Goku: (sweatdrop)

Cloud: Now, gimme my sword back. (they exchange weapons)

...

Snorb: Y'know, I wonder what happened to Michiru...

Tox: I blew her up!

Snorb: Yeah, but they always come back... but WHERE, though?

(apartment somewhere in Tokyo)

Haruka: (reading newspaper, hears woman screaming) Huh? (opens door to see a half-burned green-haired woman fall through it) Oh. Back so soon, Michi-chan?

Michiru: Ouch.... coughs up blood That hurt. That REALLY hurt...

(arena)

Matt: Stop changing the subject Chris. (holds out hand)

Snorb: (crys) Hands Matt his money. I was gonna buy a pink Casmir sweater.

Crowd: ...

Tox: Hey! You got somtin wrong with that!

Crowd: (shakes heads vigorously)

Tox: (puts on a bright-eyed anime smile and looks at the sky) We all have something outrageous that we like.

Cloud: (blushes) I'm wearing purple underwear.

Serge: (strikes a pose)

Announcer: And I've always liked... rainbows...

Everyone: Oo

Matt: You sick little man!

Crowd: (grabs flames and pitchforks)

Announcer: Ummmm... I'll be in a foreign country that no one will EVER guess.

Matt: Arizona?

Announcer: (squints eyes) DOH'!! (runs away)

(Brookville Community Hospital)

Sun: NOOOOOOOOOO!! (spins around in his padded room)

Doctor: (blue ZZZ's appear over his head)

Sun: Hmmm... I wonder. (turns around one more time) Damn! (leans on door which flings open) ... (smiles evilly)

(Sun turns the corner and all of a sudden James Bond music starts playing, a guard is seen patrolling the hallway)

Sun: (flattens up against the side of the wall) Hmmm... maybe if I make a noise I will be able to distract him. (taps against the side of the wall)

Guard: Hm? (yellow ???'s appear over his head as he stares at Sun)

Sun: Awww shit!

-----------------------------------------------

WINNERS ELIMINATION

Vegeta         

Cloud           /     Vegeta 

Kirby                              Vegeta      

Sailor Mars     /      Kirby  /                   

Trunks                                                TRUNKS

Jigglypuff     /    Trunks                        /

Clefairy                                Trunks  /

Sailor Mercury  /   Sailor Mercury  /

LOSERS ELIMINATION

Link  

        Cloud

Cloud  /         

          Rei   /

                  Jigglypuff /

                                Clefairy /

                                            Kirby /

                                                    Ami /

                                                         Vegeta /

-----------------------------------------------


	6. Not another lemon fic

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 6

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

Matt: Well, wasn't that stupid.

Serge: (nods)

Matt: I wasn't asking you.

Goku: Now that our friend has hauled butt to Foreign Land, wherever shall we get a new announcer?

Snorb: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know! Get Gary Owens!

Matt and Goku: No!

Tox: I had a plan... Sergie, dear?

Serge: ...?

Tox: Wanna fill in the announcer's shoes?

Serge: =(

Tox: Oh.... what are you doing?

Serge: (poses. Miki suddenly appears out of nowhere.)

Miki: Huh? ...Oh. Hi, Serge.

Serge: (blush) :D

Miki: Serge, did you just summon me here and waste a Star Level for some sex?

Serge: (thinks about it a minute, then nods)

Miki: Sorry. (disappears)

Serge: God DAMN IT! (throws Element on the ground)

Matt: Heh, looks like Serge's personal harem is starting to reject him.

Serge: TT

Goku: Cheer up, buddy. If you take that boat oar thingie, and hit a ki blast with it, fun things'll happen.

Serge: =)

Goku: Okay. Kaaame-HAAAMEEE-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME

(paddyshack)

Sun: Oh, God, not another Ki Blast of Eternity!

Crono: ....-....-....-....-...

Sun: Crono, you're not a Saiyan.

Crono: (hangs head in shame)

(arena)

Goku: AAME-AME-HAME-HAAAA! (fires ki blast at Serge)

Serge: (hits it with the Spectra Swallow, sending it flying)

Goku: ...Well, that was pointless.

Serge: (nods)

Tox: Hmm, we still need an announcer.

Matt: I have an idea...

(Somewhere in Johto...)

Snorb: (puts key in handcuffs holding Jenny to the motorcycle)

Matt: (holds Officer Jenny's gun to her head)

Officer Jenny: ...and there's nothing to worry about! I'm all okay! (hangs up radio)

Snorb: Now, Jenny, I'm real sorry we had to do this to you, but we need your motorcycle.

Matt: Now vamoose. (they drive off, and Matt shoots the handcuffs)

(arena, some time later)

Serge: 

Goku: Hooray.

Matt: We're back! And we have a new announcer!

Snorb: Say hello to...

New Announcer: Me.

Tox: Fine. Get in the booth. NOW

[Fight Nine: Cloud vs. Sailor Mars: Sluttery]

...

Snorb: Hey, where's Cloud?

Rei: (glances around) Cloud? Are you here?

(john.)

Cloud: Whoa. Tifa, you were INCREDIBLE.

Tifa: ...You weren't so bad yourself.

Cloud: What?! We fucked for nine hours straight... well... not counting the mid-way battle... but... all YOU can say is "You weren't so bad"?!

Tifa: But, Cloud, I...

Cloud: (sheaths Ultima Weapon, hoists pants) No buts! I've got a fight to go to! (leaves)

Rei: Ah, there you are.

Cloud: Okay. Diieeee! (throws the Ultima Weapon as hard as he possibly could)

Rei: (leaps out of the way at the last possible second) Missed.

Cloud: Dammit!

Rei: Now, Cloud... I don't want to hurt you.

Cloud: Bah, then why are you here?

Matt: Why are WE here?

Goku: Shut up- this sounds important.

Rei: Since I found out that we were gonna fight, I decided I was going to take advantage of this moment.

Cloud: Enh?

Rei: (detransforms)

Cloud: (eyes pop out of head)

Goku: I hope that wasn't the sound of eyes popping out of someone's head I just heard.

Serge and Snorb: Sorry. (blink)

Rei: (now wearing a tight miniskirt, red heels, and a low-cut tank top) See? Whaddya think, Cloud?

Cloud: (rips off Rei's shirt) Holy mother of God! You're better looking than Tifa!

Serge and Snorb: (nosebleed)

Matt: Oh, Christ. They have become harder than Mike's Lemonade.

Rei: (rips off Cloud's shirt) Holy mother of God! YOU'RE better looking than Yuuichirou!

Tox: (nosebleeds profusely)

Goku: NOW I've seen everything.

Rei: Ravage me, Cloud! RAVAGE MEEE!

(nuthaus)

Sun: (starts singing the Revolutionary War-era British fighting song) Shoot me shoot me shoot me. ShooooOOOoot meeeEE.

Crono: (draws Rainbow Katana, advances on guard)

Sun: Hmm... time for a song... Jim's escapin' through a hole in the wall/hole in the wall/ hole in the walll...

(arena)

Rei: (rips off the skirt and Cloud's pants) Screw me, Cloud Strife! My virginity will not wait for Yuuichirou!

Matt: Ugh... this is turning into a hardcore hentai fic.

Goku: Me LIIIIKE!

Matt: You make it sound like it's a good thing.

Tox: (stares at Cloud some more, and loses more blood)

Serge and Snorb: (ditto, but they're looking at Rei)

Goku: Well, they're enjoying themselves. (pulls out a Kanoi picture) Loved that scene from Akira...

Cloud: Umm... (thinks about Tifa for about half a second) You've got it! (gets on top and proceeds to fulfill Rei's wants) Man, I LOVE how you feel...

Dude with Brown Hair Hanging Over His Eyes: Hmm... boring fight... Huh?! REI?!

Tifa: Now, Cloud, I know I shouldn't have said that, but...

Rei: Oh, God, YES! YEEES!

Cloud: Man, you're better than Tifa is at this!

D.W.B.H.: Rei, what are you doing?! (runs down stairs into arena)

Tifa: Hmm, there's Yuuichirou... Cloud!

Tifa and Yuuichirou: Oh, my GOD! What the hell are you DOING?!

Cloud: Aw, FUCK! Tifa!

Rei: Oh, no! (covers chest) Yuuichirou!

Cloud: At least they waited until after the Critical Moment!

Yuuichirou: (pulls guitar) Diiie!

Tifa: (raises fist) You too, homeWRECKER! (karatechops Rei's head off at the same time Yuuichirou smashes Cloud with the guitar)

Matt: Finally. A winner.

Tox: Hey, Cloud's naked AND he won! Yayee!

Tifa: Cloud, you didn't die?! (gets very angry)

Announcer: Oh, crap! Tifa LIMIT BREAK

Tifa: (rolls slot machine) [Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!](red flames burst around her) Beeeaat Russsh! (pummels Cloud) Somersault! (does a backflip while kicking Cloud in the groin) Waterkick! (does a leg sweep on Cloud) Meteodrive! (piledrives Cloud) Dolphin Blow! (jumps into the air and bellyslams Cloud) Meteor Strike! (grabs Cloud, jumps, and hurls him to the ground) Fiiinal Heeaaaavennn! (summons energy into her fist, and punches an 18-inch hole into Cloud's chest. A white "DEATH" appears over him.)

Cloud: Unnhhh... (coughs up his intestines- and a LOT of blood. More than was in Akira and DBZ COMBINED)

Serge: (mourns the death of Rei Hino)

Trunks: (hands serge back the rapping papper)

Serge: =

Goku: Well, this is a first.

Matt: Goku, the main character in a Final Fantasy game already died. Remember FF8?

Goku: To those of you who just had your game ruined, fwa ha ha.

Serge: (runs into arena, and hoists Yuuichirou and Tifa's arms up. For some reason, Matt, Goku, and Snorb think he gropes Tifa's chest as he goes for the arms.)

Matt: So, Tifa and Yuuichirou win.

Tifa: We did? Hey, we did!

Yuuichirou: Yeah. Wanna make out?

Tifa: I'll do better. You know that thing Rei wanted you to do, but didn't want to? I DO DAT (drags Yuuichirou off to the bathroom, and gives him the best thirty-five minutes / nine hours of HIS life)

Jigglypuff: Jig! Jigg jig jigglypuff! Puff!

Snorb: Aw, shit.

Goku: What?

Snorb: Jigglypoof says that she needs someone to fight, but her opponent's significant others killed both of them.

Goku: Fine. (looks at box, and starts to weld a Magneton together) Hey, Magneton! Just gimme thirty minutes, and I'll weld you back together! I mean, how many possible combinations can all your parts... (looks at parts) fit... together...?

(some time later.)

[Fight Ten: Jigglypuff vs. Dummy: Target Practice]

JIgglypuff: Puufff! [Yo mamma, Dumb ass Bass!]

Dummy: ...

Matt: Give me one good reason why we're even letting this farce of a fight take place.

Tox: Ratings, my friend. Ratings.

Serge: (looks at picture of Rei in a small bikini) =(

Snorb: I hear ya.

Serge: BACK OFF SHES MINE BITCH

Snorb: Excuse me?

Serge: (holds Spectra Swallow and Mastermune)

Dummy: (casts Idle on itself)

Jigglypuff: Puff! (doubleslaps the dummy)

Dummy: (does nothing)

Goku: Ugh, kill it already.

Dummy: (falls apart)

Jigglypuff: Jiggly!

Snorb: Yay. It's over. Jigglypuff wins. Its opponent...

...

Clefairy: Clefairy! [MR. T]

(Paddyshack)

Sun: YES! (standing at the exit to the hospital) I'm outta' this place!

Voice: Hahahahaha!

Sun: !?

(a figure steps out of the shadows that looks exactly like Sun)

Sun Look-alike: The good news is, your not crazy. The bad news... (looks down at chest to see Chris' fist strait through it) Oo -- xX

Sun: Take that you worthless pieces of shit. Now, where waAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAA! (a serge of energy flows through Sun)

(sirens whistle as the paddy wagon gets near Sun)

Sun: (grins evilly and starts running)

Driver: O.O Wholly shit! He's doin' fifty!

Sun: (Turns the corner and bumps strait into a police parade that just happened to be going on)

Commissioner: Hey! You!

Sun: Who? Me?

Commissioner: Ya. Don't I know you from somewhere?

Sun: No, I'm not that escaped nutzo from the paddy shack who tries to talk his way out of a sticky situation by lying, rambling on, and stalling for time. By the way, did I mention you should be in a fanfic. (Whistles)

Commissioner: (delayed reaction) Hey wait! It's him! Get 'em boys!

(a hundred gunshots go off)

Sun: (Squints eyes shut for 5 seconds. After realizing he is still alive, he notices that every bullet has stopped in mid air, and that the cops are frozen) O.o I see... so... (Moons cops and chants) ha ha ha ha ha! (turns all the bullets in the opposite direction) (skips away)

(Sun walks up to a rest area, starts drinking a sticky sodaE liquid and watches television... the Anime Battle Royal is on...)

Crowd: (stares)

Goku: (looks at Matt)

Matt: (looks at snorb)

Snorb: (looks at Tox)

Tox: (looks at serge)

Serge: (looks at himself)

Matt: THAT'S IT!

Everyone: (Jumps)

Matt: I can't take it! We need some action! (in serious voice) I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but you've all left me with no choice but to present you with the best entertainer of all time. Bring in... (dramatic pause) Sun.

Everyone: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??

Sun: O.O (turns around just in time to spit out the soda at a hospital worker trying to apprehend him. The worker is now covered in the substance, stuck to the floor, and is kicking and waving like a beached wale)

Snorb: So... Sun is finally back. (turns around) What took... O.o (his voice drains as he sees the "Sun" that Matt is referring to) WTF did you do!

Sun # 2: U U U U U U AAAAAAA A aaaaaAAAA! (screams and jumps up and down)

Goku: (looks in animal dictionary) It's a... (pronounces word slowly) Ma... Ma... MA-EN-KAY

Tox: Good job Goku. You tell that Monkey.

Snorb: MATT!!! JUST WHEN I THINK YOU CAN'T GET ANY STUPIDER... WHEN I THINK SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SHOULD CHANGE THEIR SONG TO "SPECIAL MATT"... WHEN I THINK THAT NOT A SINGLE SOUL COULD BE SAD OVER YOUR IDIOTIC DEATH... (Matt shields himself) YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND... totally redeem yourself! (slaps Matt a high five)

Everyone: (falls)

-----------------------------------------------

WINNERS ELIMINATION

Vegeta         

Cloud           /     Vegeta 

Kirby                              Vegeta      

Sailor Mars     /      Kirby  /                   

Trunks                                                TRUNKS

Jigglypuff     /    Trunks                        /

Clefairy                                Trunks  /

Sailor Mercury  /   Sailor Mercury  /

LOSERS ELIMINATION

Link  

        Cloud

Cloud  /            Dummy  

          Rei   /             Jigglypuff

                  Jigglypuff /

                                  Clefairy /

                                            Kirby /

                                                    Ami /

                                                         Vegeta /

-----------------------------------------------


	7. Two Suns are better than none

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 7

Tuesday, January 17, 2002

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their respective owners.

The Anime Batte Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia.

)))))))))))))))NOTE(((((((((((((((((

First things first, we all apologize if the expository part seems longer than the battles. That's how it goes sometimes.

)))))))))))))))NOTE(((((((((((((((((

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

(Rest Station)

Sun: (whatches the Anime Battle Royal on TV) What the hell? How could they replace me with that PRIMATE!!? (shoots tv with a handgun)

TV: (a surge of electricity forms around the set and then goes away. The set is initionally undameged)

Sun: Huh? (looks at writing on TV) "Playmore ultama digital television - for life's little aciDENTS" (puches TV)

TV: (The same thing happens again)

Sun: (growls and trys using every firearm known to man to "kill" the TV)

BAM! GRRRUT! SLAAAP! FLUSSSS! THHHHWACK!

Sun: (pants) You peace of shit!

TV: (glows red) I am not a peace of shit. I am TV. The ultamite creation! And I can not alow you to continue, Dave. The risk is too great.

Sun: O.o Ummmm... I think you have the wrong story man. This is the ANIME fanfic.

TV: (processes data) Intresting. Dave?

Sun: Ummmm... ya?

TV: Will I dream?

Sun: Uhhhhh... I don't really kno... wait, now that I think of it... Probably not.

TV: (Explodes)

Gas Station Guy: Yo, where you just talking to a TV?

Siren: Neee uuuuuuuuu neuuuuuuuu neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeUUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU

Sun: (rolls eyes)

(the arena)

Sun 2: Ook! Ooh ah ah ah ahhh!

Tox: Oh, crap. This... is not good.

Serge: =(

Tox: Oh, okay. I'll say it like I mean it. This... is NTO GODO!!!111

Serge:

Snorb: Why isn't this good? I mean, he's back, meaning I'm on salary once again. Whoohaa.

Goku: How many of us are there, stupid?

Matt: Hmm... me, Snorb, the Another World Sun, Tox, Serge, and Goku. That's... six.

Sun 2: Ook! Eek eek ook ah aAH AH AH HA!

Serge: (Nods, then whips out Chrono Cross, Tox looks into it)

Tox: ...what? Oh, that's beautiful, Serge.

Serge: oO

Matt: Wholey-

Snorb: Mother-

Goku: of-

Serge: (jerks head forward)...-

Snorb: SHE'S IMMUNE!!

Everyone: Gawks and stares

Matt: My god. Has the day finnaly come. She is... "the o-

Snorb: (punches Matt in stomach)

Goku: You have the power to withstand the Chrono Cross! You truly are great.

Tox: Ummmm... I hate to say it... but, i'm not the one.

Everyone: O.O

Sun 2: UuUUUUUU AAHH UUUEEEE AAAAAAAAAA ueeeeeee AAA AH AAA AH HA AH HA AH [No tox, you have to be. The orical told me I would fall in love with the one. So you see, it has to be you. It is because... I love you] (blushes)

Everyone: ...Riggggggggggggggggghhhhht

Tox: NO! What I'm trying to say is...

Crowd: (listens carefully)

(dramatic pause)

Tox: The light thinge is out.

Serge: oO (looks at Chrono Cross)

Matt: She's right. It only works if it's glowing, Serge.

Serge: (slaps forehead, puts Chrono Cross away)

Matt: What? What'd I say?

Serge: Go 'way.

Goku: You know, our problem isn't being solved. I can solve it. KAME HAME (Tox fizzles out the ki blast) ...crapola.

Serge: (light bulb appears over head. He runs into the locker room)

Tox: Where's Serge going?

(locker room)

Serge: (looks at carnage from interviews)

Corpse: ...ow.

Serge: (poses. The corpse is bathed in white light as "Revive 5" is flashed in a box)

Heero: Ow... hey. It's you.

Serge: (thumbs up)

Heero: Hey, what happened to my nose?

Serge: (pulls gun on Heero, points at temples)

Heero: Arrogant bastard. (the Chrono Cross battle theme starts playing) Eat lead, kid! (shoots Serge for 12 HP!)

Serge: (pokes, paddles, slashes twice with Spectra Swallow for 999 HP!)

Heero: (slump) Run Away! Run Away! (Victory- The Cry of Summer starts playing)

Tox: (enters locker room) Received 103/103- Serge reached a new growth level! Serge- HP 45! STR 7! MAG. 10! RES 5! M.DEF 1! Found: LeadShell, LeadShell, [x1]Nostrum! Received 35000 G! Use remaining stamina and Elements to cure party?

Serge: (Do not heal party)

Tox: This was the stupidest thing I've ever had happen to me.

Heero: Shut up, girlie.

Tox: Wanna be a judge? You get free donuts...

(booth.)

Matt: I can't believe you actually brought him back to life.

Heero: Think of it as saving your precious Pheonix Downs.

Tox: I se-

Heero: I said, SHUT UP, you stupid were #$%##$%% cow!!!!

Snorb: Heero!

Heero: WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!

Sun 2: (sweatdrops) Ook?

Matt: Hey, what's your problem with girls, Heero?

[Long-Forgotten War Memory- Heero vs. Himself: GI Jimboooo! Here to save the day! By killing you and you and you and you and you...]

(thought cloud pops up above Heero's head)

Heero, age 6: Yum, yum, yummy yum, ice cream.

Prettiest Girl In School Whom Heero Threatens To Kill In The First Episode Of Gundam Wing, age 6: Hi, Heero.

Heero: Hi. I'm eating ice cream. Yum.

P.G.I.S.: Is it strawberry? That's my favorite... (red diagonal lines appear under eyes)

Heero: Really? That's my favorite, too! (ice cream glob falls on ground) TT Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

P.G.I.S.: Oh, don't cry! (picks it up, splits it in half, and plops it back on Heero's cone) There. Ten second rule, y'know?

Heero: =) sniffle Gee, thanks Prettiest Girl In School!

P.G.I.S.: My pleasure, Heero. (kisses Heero on forehead, wanders off to do more good deeds)

(several years later...)

Heero, age 16: Whee. I have a rose. I have no goddamn idea what I shall do with it.

P.G.I.S., age 16: Hi, Heero...

Heero: Hi, Prettiest Girl In School.

P.G.I.S.: Oh! A rose! For me?

Heero: ...Sure. Why not?

P.G.I.S.: Yay! It smells so lovely!

Duo, age 16: Hi, Prettiest Girl In School.

Posse of Anime Girls That Hang Off Duo, age 16: sigh Duoooo!

Duo: Wanna make out, Prettiest Girl In School?

P.G.I.S.: No. I have a boyfriend.

Duo: Damn it! Who'll I take to the dance now?!

Posse: Duuoo! Am I just a one night stand to you?! (every girl realizes this, and the catfight of the millenium breaks out)

Duo: My God! My girls! Heero, you're gonna pay for this!

Heero: We'll see. (squeezes P.G.I.S.'s butt, and walks away)

Duo: Oh, yeah, you will! For I am the God... of... DEATH! (surviving members of Posse stare at Duo) ...or not.

(backseat of car, several hours later. The windows all have blood on them instead of fog.)

Heero (butt naked, severely bitten and scratched): (claws at window, trying to smash it open)

P.G.I.S. (equally naked): Heero, I thought you said you weren't a virgin!

Heero: I assumed you weren't! (claws some more) Somebody lemme OUTTA here! She's having her way with me!

P.G.I.S.: You know, Heero, most guys WANT girls to have their way with them.

Heero: YOUR way ain't quite MY way! (bangs on window) HEEEELLLLLLP!

P.G.I.S.: Trying to get away, lover boy? (pulls him back down)

...

Heero: AaagghhhH! Ow, that HURRTS! .... Hey, that feels pretty good!

...

P.G.I.S.: Ohh, Heero! Where'd you learn how to (ohh) do that? Aahhh... and THAT?!

...

Heero: Heeey! I LOVE this ferocious stuff!

(outside the car)

Trowa: ... Prettiest Girl In School... you said you would sleep with me...

Quatre: What?! She said she'd fuck ME!

Wu Fei: No, you're both wrong. She told me she wants to have sex with ME!

(they fight, oblivious to Heero and P.G.I.S.'s lovemaking)

(a bit later...)

P.G.I.S., age 19: I do.

Duo, age 19: (with several guns held to his back) ...and now, I declare you Mr. and Mrs. Heero Yuie. GO AHEAD AND SNOG GOD DAMN IT

Heero, age 19: Okay. (the two wander off, for some sex-related reason)

Duo: Hey, I didn't MEAN it!

(thought cloud pops)

Heero, age today: I just -do-. Okay?

Matt: Well, wasn't that uninformative.

Serge: (nods)

Heero: Wanna make something of it, Island Boy?

Serge: (kicks chair away, pulls Spectra Swallow and Mastermune)

Tox: Hey, he brought you back INTO this world, he can sure as hell take you back OUT OF it!

Snorb: We're probably better off without him, anyway.

Heero: Fuck you all! (pulls gun)

Goku: Oh, how I wish he'll pull a self-destruct trick right about now.

Heero: Eat lead, Goku! (shoots GOku square in the chest)

Goku: (looks down at chest) ... I'm sorry. Was I supposed to be killed off?

Tox: Get him, Serge.

Serge: (shakes head)

Tox: YOU revived him, you can break the revive spell.

Serge: sigh (poses) [HellBound]

Heero: (ground under Heero's feet suddenly distorts and collapses into a vortex. Heero is sucked in.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo....... (the ground solidifies, and Heero reappears) ..heh...

Serge: oO

Heero: Thank God those one-shot InstaKills you people are so fond of cranking off rarely, if ever, work.

Serge: (pulls Spectra Swallow) Go to HFIL!

Goku: (eyebrows hit the hairline) Oh, my God! Not HFIL! Again.

Snorb: HFIL? Isn't it supposed to be H...?

FUNimation Censor: Excuse me! You're not allowed to say "Hell!" We must change it to the H.ome F.or I.nsane L.osers- HFIL!

Goku: (points middle finger at censor) Take tha-... wha? Heh!

Censor: (starts editing Goku's finger with a digital paintbrush)

Everyone else: (bigsweats)

...

Heero: ...?

Serge: (Well? Get to it, Yuie.)

Heero: (Get to WHAT?)

Serge: (Do something about FUNny Boy, here, and I'll give you a genuine Arni Village-style Gundam.)

Heero: (Oh. Okay.) (taps Censor on shoulder)

Censor: Yes? Ah, Hiro Yuy! Our second-biggest disaster in the making!

Heero: You forgot something.

Censor: What?

Heero: (pulls Super Scopes) THIS. Serge! Tox!

Serge and Tox: (pull out Gamecube controllers, and start mauling the A Button)

Censor: (screaming as the Super Scope bursts perforate him) Ouchieowowowowowohcrapouchouchouchouchouchowowowcrapdamnyouallfuckers OWWWWWWWWWW!

Matt: (kicks Censor in groin, sending him flying)

Crowd: Whoaaa!

Censor: (SSBM style) WAAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh........ ting

Announcer: This game's winner is... Matt!

Matt: Yeah! ...sorry.

Goku: Hey, you finally got that guy off our asses! Way ta go, Matt! (back-slap)

Matt: (flies face-first into announcer's booth) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Announcer: Oh, hello! What are you doing in here?

Matt: Umm... hey, aren't you Serge's mom?

Marge (Announcer): Yes, I am. You're a friend of Sergey?

Matt: Sort of... Hey, Serge! Yo' mamma's in here!

(the other judges run in)

Serge:

Marge: You remind me of your father when he was your age, Serge. Sergey?

Serge: ?

Marge: Why are you wearing a woman's tank top?

Serge: (blushes) ...

Marge: That doesn't look like Leena's clothes...

Serge: (walks behind a pillar, and half a second later comes back out with his tunic and vest on)

Snorb: Ladles and jellyspoons, Serge the quick change artist.

Matt: Hey, Serge!

Serge: (glances over)

Goku: Whatever happened to your dad?

Serge: sigh (writes on paper)

Marge: "Blah blah travelling Another World blah blah met sexy girl named Kid blah blah Chronopolis ruled by FATE blah blah Wazuki turned into biological interface of FATE blah blah mutated Wazuki blah blah out-of-body experience blah blah whacked Dragon Gods blah blah cloned new Serge body blah blah wasted Wazuki/Lynx/Dark Serge's ass stone cold DEAD blah blah fucked Kid blah blah running out of paper blah blah Please Insert Disc 2."

Everyone: .....

Marge: Serge, what did I tell you about using that word?!

Serge: (pulls out paper, writes)

Marge: "The word 'Cloned' should not be in a man's vocabulary because the cloning process isn't exactly 100% perfected, and they're a real pain to clean when they explode." That's OK, Serge.

Serge: =)

Marge: Oh, and don't say "fuck," either.

Serge: =(

Jigglypuff: Jig jiggly! [Hey, wer'e ready to rip things apart down here!]

Clefairy: Clef cleff! Fairy fair clefairrry! [Can we please start the match? I have a dentist's appointment to get to.]

Sun 2: ook? (scratches genitals)

(paddyshaak)

Sun: You know, I really could have gone about my day without having to read the sentence "Scratches Genitals," but, hey, that's just me!

Crono: ...

Sun: You're STILL here?! I thought I left you in the cell!

Crono: (shakes head)

Sun: Hey, Crono, we're about the same build. Your clothes. Give them to me. Now.

Crono: (surprised pose)

Sun: GIMMOO (steals Crono's clothes)

Crono: (covering groin with left hand and using katana with right) !

[Fight Eleven Jigglypuff vs. Clefairy: Clefairy Tale, Part Two]

Jigglypuff: Puff! Jig jiggly! [It's time for you to die!]

Clefairy: Clef cleff! Fairy clefairy! [Bah, up yours.]

Snorb: Why do I get the feeling that I'm gonna start weeping uncontrollably again, like the last time these two fought?

Matt: I don't know. Or care. Now, let's watch the bloodletting.

Jigglypuff: Jig..alee. PUFF... jigaleeeePUFF...

Clefairy: (blink) ...Zzzz...

Jigglypuff: Jig! Jigglypuff! [Hey, this worked. I don't know why I didn't try this last time...]

Serge: ...

Tox: ...

Goku: What are you waiting for?! SMASH him!

Clefairy: (wakes up) Clef? [Ow.]

Jigglypuff: Puff! [Fuck!]

Clefairy: Cle. Clefairy fairy Faairrryy fair! [So, where's your pals to help you out?! Huh!?!]

Jigglypuff: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! [?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!]

Clefairy: Clef! [That's it, you're French toast!]

Matt, Serge, and Goku: Mmm, French toast...

Tox: This is getting too boring. Activate... the device!

Snorb: Not... the device!

Goku: What's ...the device?

Matt: Why are we talking in... this fashion?

Serge: ...(shrug)

Clefairy: (pulls out chainsaw, waves it above head) WOAOAOOAaAHHHHH [No translation necessary and/or required.]

JIgglypuff: ... Puff. [Dumbass.]

Clefairy: Clef...? Fairy? [What? What's so funny?]

JIgglypuff: (pulls cord on chainsaw)

Chainsaw: NNNNNNNNNNnnnnhhhhhhh

Clefairy: Clef clef! [Thankie.] (tries to pick up the chainsaw)

Serge: ...(laughs as Clefairy tries to pick up the chainsaw)

Goku: Man, I think I can lift that!

Matt: Then do so.

Goku: Okay. (lifts chainsaw, and throws it)

Clefairy: Cleff? [Hey. Gimme my chainsaw, damn it!]

Snorb: I don't see any chainsaw around here!

Note- the death sequence Ami: Oh my goddess clefairy's gone blind has been deemed stupid and immature and has been pulled at the webmaster's expense.

So, the fight continues. Or not.

Clefairy: Clef... fairy. Fair. [Time for Plan B. Need a plan B...]

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff! [Time for a world-class ASS WHOOPIN', just like we did in the sixties!]

Judges: The sixties?!

Jigglypuff: Jig. [Okay- the EIGHTTEEN sixties.] (folds Clefairy neatly into quarters, and starts to stick him into his own pockets)

Note Two- the death sequence Yikes has also been scrapped. Time for ending three.

Clefairy: Clef. Fairy fairy clefairy. [Hey, Jigglypuff. I bet you Y7000 that you can't put yourself inside yourself.]

Jigglypuff: THATS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE

Clefairy: Clef. [Wussie!] (starts to fold himself into himself)

(Somewhere.)

Sun: Look, Clefairy, let me tell you something about the proper noun tree in this story. It is listed from the top down. It contains no loops. Therefore, it is NOT POSSIBLE for anything, least of all a Zen-minded smart ass Clefairy, to be inside itself! .... But, hey- let's give it a shot. Okay?

(arena.)

Clefairy: Clef. [Duh, you da boss.] (puts himself into h

Clefairy has crashed your web browser.

You: Grrr... (reopens browser, opens document)

Matt: Hey, THAT was weird.

Snorb: We gotta stop this fight.

Goku: Otherwise, this computer will be toast!... Mmm, toast

Tox: Why bother? Let those two fight.

Serge: (shakes head)

Matt: Well, one of those death messages is going to be a death sooner or later.

Clefairy: (jumps)

Clefairy jumped

Jigglypuff: (starts flying) Jig! Jigglypuff! [Ohh, OHH, what now, Clef?!]

Jigglypuff has fought for Truth, Justice, and the American Way

Tox: Somebody call someone! They're not gonna stop!

Matt: (dials number) Hello? ...Yeah.... sure... Uh-huh... Y55000... plus expenses.... got it. (hangs up) Help will be here shortly.

Clefairy: (ducks behind previously unnoticed 1999 Ford Mondeo) Clefclefclef... [Tee hee. Jigglypuff's not gonna see me here...] (takes out 4 Blaster of Kick Fucking Ass)

Fair fairy... [You're dead meat...]

'99 Mondeo: (engine ROARs to life!)

Clefairy: Cleff?! [What the...?!] (fails to notice back-up lights turn on) ...

...

Jigglypuff: Jiggly puff puff. [I am waiting for a bus.]

Mondeo: (bumper touches Clefairy's left shoulder and runs him over)

(flashback to Clefairy's army training)

Drill Sergeant: You pieces of SCUM! You screw up this maneuver once more and it's permanent KP for ALL of you! (Clefairy trips) You there! WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, PRIVATE CLEFAIRY?! You'll NEVER survive a real Mondeo attack! It's Kitten Pulverization for YOU!

Clefairy: TT Cleefff! [Meowth! Noooooooooo!] (kitty squisher powers up...)

Matt: But! It was too late. Meowth died for nothing. The Ford was in league with Jigglypuff all along...

Clefairy is a disgrace to Racer X

No, really, Clefairy is such a big fucking disgrace to Racer X

...

Matt: So... I guess Jigglypuff wins. Damn.

Sun 2: Ook. (throws crap at Clefairy)

(Monedo door opens. A pair of legs that would be associated with a saxophone solo slide out, then the rest of the driver gets out of the car)

Makoto: Hey, Matt?! Where's my money?!

Matt: Um... money?

Sun 2: Ook? (pushes buttons on computer)

Serge: (looks at messed up fanfic he was writing) (slaps Sun 2's hand) STOPPIT

Sun 2: Ooh AHH AHH ([Ctrt] [Alt] [Del])

Serge: NOOOOOO NOT MY SERGE-KID HENTAI FIIIIIIC

Sun 2: (pushes more buttons. ALL the judges disappear.)

(the Somewhat Real World.)

Goku: What the?! What the hell happened?!

Heero: Hmm... so, this is the Somewhat Real World.

Matt: Enh?

Heero: Think "Anotherworld" here, guys. This is what WOULD have been had CERTAIN PPLZ MAED CERTAIN CHOICES DIFFERENTLY LOLZ

Tox: Didn't I say that was fucking annoying?

Heero: I LIKE MY ACCENT A LOT TOO BAD FOR YOU

Snorb: So, are we gonna meet our alternate selves?

Serge: (stares at can of Surge)

Soda Can: ...

Matt: OHH MY GOD ITS SERGE 2

Goku: Huh?! Where?! ...Hey, I -am- kinda thirsty... (pops open Serge 2)

Serge 2: oO

Goku: guzzle guzzle BRAAAAAAAP

Plasmoid Blob: =)

Matt: Hey! It's Book E. Worm Splat!

Book E. Worm Splat: =)

Matt: I guess this is me...

Eighteen Year Old: Who the fuck are you?!

Snorb: Hey, it's me! ...I think.

Snorb 2: Fuck you.

Goku: Hey, what about me?!

Tox: (looks at photograph) You don't want to know.

Goku: Yes, I do! Lemme see! (looks at photo) WHOA! I could bed ALL the Senshi?!

Tox: No- you're a photograph.

Fox: ...

Tox: AAHH! ANIMAL! Get it awayyy!

Fox: =(

Matt: Hey, maybe these are our alternate world selves.

Snorb: Yep. THEY ALL SEEM SO DIFFERENT

Everyone else: ... oO;

Snorb: What? Snorb 2's different!

Snorb 2: (snaps fingers)

Makoto: (in a Zerg Overmind-like voice) Yes, my most eternal master?

Snorb 2: (rips Makoto's shirt off)

Makoto: Thank you, sir. (leaves)

Snorb: Christ! He's fucking NUTS!

Sun: Dam copy cat.

Everyone: CHRIS!!?

Sun: (turns head) ya?

Snorb: What the hell are you doing here!? I thought you where commited!

Sun: Hmmmm... so did I. Something is defenetly not right here.

Sun 2: UuUUUUUU AAHH UUUEEEE AAAAAAAAAA ueeeeeee AAA AH AAA AH HA AH HA AH!!

Sun: You BASTERD!

Tox: What did he say?

Sun: It seems Matt had been planning on replacing all of us with monkeys for quite some time now.

Matt: O.O

Sun: He some how thought they could do a better job!

Tox: Is this true Matt?

Matt: (crys) YES! I'm sorry! Oh my god! All I ever wanted was to be loved!

Tox: Awe, it's okay. Come here.

Matt: (walks over and hugs tox)

Tox: (flips him upsidedown and kicks him in the "Ouch area") You little shit!

Sun: Sun 2 has rebeled and now wants to replace us with his otherworld buddies! We will have to fight to the death for the sake of the ABR!

Matt: Okey doke. But why do we have to fight poor defensless animals. (he doesn't notice the fox nawing away at this "area")

Snorb: Hey! My guy's not an animal!

Serge: HE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU SPECIFICALLY

Heero: Come again, Serge?

Serge: (gives Snorb THE LOOK)

Whee, ha haaa! What a predicament! How will the judges get out of the anotherworld?! Who will stick around and judge Jigglyfoo' to be the winner of this match?! Will Marge Insula stop trying to match Serge and Leena together?! And, what OF Zeke Thunderclutch?!

These questions will soon be forgotten.


	8. Chrono Wars

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 8

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia.

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

Last time, on Anime Battle Royal!-

(that multicolored test pattern pops up)

Matt: Oops. Wrong show.

(REALLY stupid banjo music starts playing)

(text card- The fear of blood tends to create fear of the flesh.)

(photo of Alessa Gillespie appears)

Sun: Wrong show again!

(footage of last episode, with the Evil Judges of DQQM)

Serge: (satisfied nod)

(the Anotherworld, where old program codes go to be recycled...)

Snorb: So... um...

Serge: ...

Goku: Hey, shouldn't we be beating the crap out of these felonious dudes!

Tox: Oh, please, can I just use me (concentrates) ...powers?

Sun 2: Ook.

Matt: It appears that Tox's powers don't work in the Anotherworld!

(a large pink ball of goo with a smile embedded on its face appears in front of Matt)

Matt: (In serious voice) Bookeworm Splat. Has it been that long. I thought that day in sixth grade when I lost your comic strip, while I was eating my Macaroni and cheese ketchup sandwich, that you would never return. But it seems I was wrong. You bastard... How ya ben!? (slaps the goo on what appears to be a back)

Bookeworm Splat: (tries to smother Matt)

Matt: Hey hey! I'm not THAT happy to see ya!

Bookeworm Splat: (smiles slowly turns upside-down)

(screen shatters like glass, insert FFX battle music... HERE)

[Exhibition Match- Sub Judges vs. Dub Judges: Sailor Moon Lite!]

Snorb 2: Ah, crapola. (snaps fingers, trys to run away but slips on a potato chip and falls to the ground)

Snorb: (evil grin appears on his face as he stands over Snorb 2)

Snorb 2: Oh... shite.

Snorb: (Grabs Snorb 2 by the neck, lifts his up and throws him against the side of the wall. The wall then falls and Snorb 2 is poped worse than the human pimple in Akira)

Sun: Hmmmm... (looks at what Snorb has done)

Sun 2: Ooo oook?

Sun: (Slowly outstretches arm toward the monkey)

Sun 2: O.o? EEUUUUUUUUUU AAAAAAAA AAAA aaaaa AAAAAA EEEAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Grabs and hold's on to Sun's arm)

Sun: Ahhhhhh!!! (runs and waves arms abruptly) GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Makoto 2: ProtossAdvisor We are under attack! /ProtossAdvisor

Snorb: (head jerks up) Matt!

Matt: (from inside Bookeworm Splat) Ya?

Snorb: I just remembered! We never made it official that the Jig man won the other fight!

Matt: Your right!

Bookeworm Splat: O.O (grows wide-eyed and explodes)

Matt: (Steps out of the muck)

Tox: Huh?

Snorb: Wah?

Sun: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (runs around in circle trying to shake off the equally challenging opponent)

Matt: Dark wind. One of my famous attacks. You see Goku! I told you it was a good idea to stop at Taco Bell on the way here!

Goku: Now I underst... wait. What?

Matt: Confused Goku?

Goku: Very...

Matt: As it should be.

Snorb: Anywaaaaaaaaaay... We gotta get back there to the arena ASAP!

Serge: (nods and takes out cooler with "Nuclear Hazard! Danger!" stickers on it, opens it up)

Goku: (rips photo up) Hey, Serge, what's in that cooler?

Serge: (holds up cooler)

Goku: Hmm... AntiMat Explosive, a hell of a lot a' ice cubes and... hey, sweet! Beer! (takes a beer and guzzles it) Thank God for cold fusion!

Tox: (Looks at the drink in Goku's hand and does a double take) Goku! Weren't you just drinking a beer!?

Goku: (looks at hand) O.o Wholey shit! A COKE!

FUNimation censor 2: (Sneeks around bushes)

Goku: YOU SON OF A- (Goku appears to be talking but nothing can be heard coming out of his mouth)

Matt: I've gone deaf! Ahhhhhh!!! (runs around in circle until he finally crashes into a tree and falls to the ground)

Everyone: (blinks for a few seconds)

Snorb: The censor is editing Goku's mannerisms! (rubs chin) But how come the Bastard doesn't effect us?

Tox: Hahaha! Hey censor! You don't own us! Nah nah nah-poo poo! (pulls downs left eyelid with middle finger and sticks out her tounge)

Censor: (Eye twitches for a few seconds then he runs in a rage at Tox)

Tox: (Smiles and pokes the Fox's lower backside with a needle)

Fox: O.O (flys onto the censor's head and begins gnawing away at his face. Faint screams can be heard from the backround)

Makoto: Hmmm... (takes out a needle and looks at Makoto 2)

Tox: Don't even think it bitch! There's room in this fic for ONE truly hot babe, and that's me!

Snorb: (smiles) Hey, there's always room for-

Tox: (while choking both Makotos, she looks up at Snorb and growls)

Snorb: O.O (quickly) Nevermind.

Sun: Ahhhhhh!! (continues to run around in a circle until he himself crashes into a tree)

Sun 2: (gets up and wipes a sweat drop from his face)

Matt: Hey, all this was that FUCKING MONKEY'S FAULT! Let's rip him a new one!

Sun 2: Oh fu- (everyone rips him into bite-size pieces. YUMMAH)

Serge: (glances around nervously seeing Evil Squall, Evil Tidus, Good Yu Yevon, and Evil Reina headed their way) (swallows nervously)

Reinforcements: ...?

(sounds of combat continue)

Serge: We're all gonna DIE! I'LL BLOW IT!

Dark Serge: Yo.

Serge: AAAaaaaaaggghhhh! (slaps button on AntiMat Explosive)

(held cell of the anotherworld.)

Sound: beep Beep BEep BEEp BEEP BEEP! KA-BOOOOOOM!!!! (the entire Anotherworld is destroyed, and the Homeworld judges are launched through some sort of plothole)

(Homeworld.)

Matt: Ouch.

Serge: =(

Tox: DAM!

Snorb: Ow.

Matt: Gah.

Serge:

Goku: That did not hurt in the least bit. Now somebody please disinfect this large gaping hole in my chest... oh, cool! Free food! (scarfs it all down, chest heals)

Tox: Gasp! What happend to Sun!?

Matt: Hey, ya, and Heero?

(Road piece.)

Sun: (looks at sign)

Sign: "Road Piece"

Sun: It figures. Son of a bitch.

Crono: (shrugs)

Guard: There they are! Waste them!

Guard 2: Yes, Major Biggs!

(sounds of automatic gunfire heard, followed by two THUNKS.)

Sun: ...ow.

Crono: -

Guard: Dumbasses.

Sun: I wanna go home.

Guard 2: (picks Sun up by throat, holds him over ground) That better stop! What's going on?!

Sun: Punt. (kicks guard in crotch)

Guard 2: Aaagh! (collapses) JHKGGy&#TG&%!!!!! (starts firing at Sun, blows away other guard)

Crono: (skewers Guard 2)

Sun: Hey, I knew you'd come in handy!

Crono: :D

(A flaming ball of fire falling from the sky can be seen crashing near the beach)

Sun: That can't be what I think it is. Can it?

Crono: (Shrugs)

(they both run toward the beach where the crash was)

Sun: Wait was this beach here a minute ago?

Crono: (Shrugs)

Sun: SHUT UP!! (slaps Crono)

(a slightly crusty Heero Uie apears infront of them)

Sun: Wholey shit! What the fuck is that thing!?

Crono: (starts to shrug but is flung across the beach by Sun)

Heero: (in a drunken voice) It's a little differnt without the gundum. (falls over)

(later that night)

Snorb: ...ouch. That was actually GOOD pain.

Ami: Now, Chris, you'll get even better than that if you stick to our agreement!

Snorb: Hmm... tough one, Ami... honest contest (holds out left hand), friction burn groin ward visit (hold out right hand) ... (raises and lowers hands like a balance for a few seconds) WHOOP! (lowers right hand, grab's one of Ami's breasts)

(the next morn.)

Matt: I wonder where Snorb is.

Tox: Well, he'd better show up soon- four judges. Bad. Five or three judges. Good.

Serge: (points to horizon)

Snorb: Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Tox: Sleep well?

Snorb: OHH YEAH

Matt: Well, we've got another bloodsport to enjoy.

Goku: Yeah! Let's see some violence!

Serge: VIOLINS

...

Matt: Tox got rid of the violin, remember?

Serge: TT

Lynx: Hey. Have this fiddle, kid.

Serge: !!!

Lynx: See you after the fight. (mumbles "Stupid kid..." under his breath)

[Fight Twelve- Jigglypuff vs. Sailor Mercury: Drunken Sephiroths Galore!]

Ami: Jigglypuff.

Jigglypuff: Puff. [Ami.]

Ami: (takes out Ice Harp, plays it)

Jigglypuff: JigaLEEpuff...jigalEEeepuff... (both songs explode in midair)

Matt: Eek!

Jigglypuff: ...PUFFFFFF! Puff puff PU jiIIIGGG! [Enh.] (Pounds Ami)

Ami: Ouch! (kicks Jigglypuff)

(this goes on for -pages-. Ami now has Jigglypuff in the Dreaded Thighmaster Grip.)

Jigglypuff: Puff... Jighlypuff jiiig... [You're hurting me. Put me down, please.]

Ami: (squeezes harder. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Jigglypuff: PUUUUUUUFF PUF JIG! [any gutter is better than this place!] (gets shot off like a rubber band)

Ami: He's leaving the ring! I'm going to win!

Camando: Ready men!?

Fireing Squad: SIR, YES, SIR!

Jigglypuff: (slams into a wall and bounces off quick enough to evade the squad)

Squad: SIR, THAT SUCKED ASS, SIR!

Camando: ONLY SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO!!!!

Squad: SIR, YES, SIR! (trys to mumble but can't) SIR, WHAT A JACKASS HUH?, SIR!

Camando: (grabs all of the weapons and points them at the squad)

Squad: SIR, O.O, SIR!

Camando: Now get your asses outta here!

Squad: Allright...

Camando: You bastards!!!!!

Squad: SIR,- (before they can finish the camando kills, burries and salutes them in an instant)

Snorb: So much for ring-outs...

Matt: Shite.

Ami: (eyes widen in horror) Uh-oh... (Jigglypuff slams into Ami, knocking both of them unconsious)

Matt: OHH MY GOD!

Goku: Double KO?! What the fuck?!

Tox: Ah! The crowd's starting a soccer riot!

Snorb: Serge! Do something!

Serge: (nods) Taxi!

Snorb: Hey... I could win this for Ami...

Matt: Snorb, grab the machetes!

Snorb: TIME FOR SOME VICTORY, SALT LAKE CITY STYLE! (runs into arena, starts kicking and slaping Ami, trying to get her awake)

Tox: Hey! Can he do that?

Serge: (bolts out of booth with Spectra Swallow)

Snorb: (drag drag) Whoo... you be heavy, Ami... sexy, too.

Serge: GRRRRRRR (waves Spectra Swallow)

Snorb: Ah. Serge. Help me with Ami here. Just a few more seconds, and she wins the match!

Serge: (kicks Ami in the head, picks up Jigglypuff) 

Snorb: Oh. Wanna RACE, Ghost Boy?!

Serge: DIIEEEE! (wakes Jigglypuff at the same time Ami wakes up)

Goku: It's a tie!

The hare would be SO PROUD

Tox: Um... hey, I have my powers back!

Matt: Do something!

Tox: Okay. filfre serge's pants

Serge: (fireworks shoot out of his pants) AAAARRRRGGRGRGRGHHHHGHHH!!! (runs around frantically)

Tox has exploded Serge's crotch

(Cruisin'... Yeah yeah yeah!)

Sun: (watches "Anime Battle Royal" on a portable TV) Sweet.

Heero: (starts laughing)

Sun: filfre Heero's pants

Heero: (fireworks shoot out of his pants) (runs around frantically while screaming)

Crono: (Starts laughing)

Sun has exploded Heero's crotch

(arena)

Snorb: That's it. I'm gonna make Ami completely impervious to an unnatural death! And, since she's an immortal because she's a Senshi, she'll win this contest!

Tox: What the hell are you talking about?

Snorb: ozmoo ami

Ami: (gets up) Hmm. I wonder what happened to me.

Goku: (starts eating steaks) Miff Mifuno! Come join me fer sohm chi'in f'ied heak! (swallows steak)

Ami: Well... it's not healthy... but, Chris ozmooed me. I'll be fine!

Jigglypuff: ... Puff? [Can I join you?]

Ami: Sure. (takes one bite of steak, clutches chest, turns pale, and THUDs to the ground dead)

Snorb: What the...?!! I thought the Ozmoo spell made you invincible!

Matt: To unnatural death.

Serge: BUT A HEART ATTACK IS NATURAL! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (In serious voice) Sorry for your loss.

Next time, Ami, lay off the fatty foods...

Snorb: (takes out X-Potion and Pheonix Pinion) Well...

Matt: Chris!

Snorb: What?

Matt: Think of the fans!

...

Snorb: Who gives a fuck!?

...

Matt: Then... THINK OF THE CHEESE!

...

Snorb: What the fuck are you talk- (serge kicks Snorb in the croch)

(snorb falls to the floor in pain)

Serge: Jigyfoo' is da winna!!

Crowd: ...

(2 police guys enter the Arena Carying Sun, Crono and Heero)

Officer 1: Hey. Does anyone know these kooks? They say you can vouge for 'um.

Crono, Sun and Heero: (smile inocently)

Matt: Never seen 'um before in my life.

Sun: Fuck you Buu-lick!

Matt: (growls and then runs at Sun)

Officer 2: Hey What the fuck are you doing!?

Matt: (stops punching Sun) Who me?

Officer 2: Ya you! You are commin' wit us!

Matt: What!? (being draged away) Why!?

Officer 1: Hey since these guys can't afford a lawyer, we are simply going by the rules.

Matt: Oh I get it, since I'm the best Lawyer EVER, you just picked me naturally.

Officer 2: Looks at Officer 1

Officer 1: Ya... ummmm... somthing like that.

Tox: Awwww man. Hey comes anonther field trip.

Lynx: Wait! Before you go... I have something I want to tell you...

Goku: Hush. This is the good part.

Lynx: (camera focuses on Lynx, now dramatically lit) SERGE INSULA... WOOSH WOOSH I AM YOUR FATHER.

Serge: Nooooooooooo! (collapses just like in the Chrono Cross opening)

Matt: Wait. He's probably right.

Serge: (thwacks Lynx with Chrono Cross, causing the right half to turn into Wazuki!)

Wazuki Half: Serge!

Serge: Dad.

Lynx Half: He's my kid, too, Insula!

Serge: Dad #2.

Lynx Half: I'm obeying orders, here, Wazuki! So naff off!

Wazuki Half: I'm you, too, Lynx! Always obey orders, the Porre Army told us, eh?

Lynx Half: Yes...

Wazuki Half: Well, this one's been harping around in my head for TEN YEARS! (Wazuki Half uppercuts Lynx Half in the jaw, bringing them down)

Lynx Half: (evens the score with an elbow to Wazuki Half's ribs)

(the remaining judges watch Wazuki/Lynx beat the crap out of himself)

Matt: That's your dad, Serge?

Serge: (sweatdrops) I don't even know anymore.

-----------------------------------------------

WINNERS ELIMINATION

Vegeta         

Cloud           /     Vegeta 

Kirby                              Vegeta      

Sailor Mars     /      Kirby  /                   

Trunks                                                TRUNKS

Jigglypuff     /    Trunks                        /

Clefairy                                Trunks  /

Sailor Mercury  /   Sailor Mercury  /

LOSERS ELIMINATION

Link  

        Cloud

Cloud  /            Dummy  

          Rei   /             Jigglypuff

                  Jigglypuff /              Jigglypuff

                                  Clefairy /              Jigglypuff

                                                    Ami  /

                                                                 Kirby /

                                                                        Vegeta /

-----------------------------------------------


	9. You must acquit

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 9

Wednesday, April 3, 2002

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia.

)))))))))NOTE(((((((((

Firstly, this one's dedicated to Akira Toriyama (1955-NOT DEAD). Also... The people you are about to read are mostly real. Names have NOT been changed because this isn't Dragnet! If you're interested in the REAL song that will be used at the end of this chapter, it's called "Billy the Mountain" by the Mothers. Pretty long, but funny.

)))))))))NOTE(((((((((

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

(Court)

Matt: ...Don't worry, guys! I'll defend you to the end!

Tox: (rolls eyes) We're getting life without parole.

Snorb: I second that.

Sun: Arrggh, why doesn't Serge have to answer to any of this?!

Matt: HES NOT REAL

Bailiff: Okay, shut up. Judge Whoopi is presiding.

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay I will now announce your individual charges one at a time... Sun.

Sun: Whoopi.

Whoopi: You are charged with...

Breaking the fourth wall. Seven counts.

Second degree murder. Six counts.

Sun: What?! I only killed five people!

Whoopi: ...Murder two, five counts.

Perjury, one count.

Matt: Well... I suppose we can't argue with that.

Whoopi: Public obscenity- 16 counts.

Sun: Eh... not too bad.

Whoopi: Miss Tox. You are charged with four counts of publicly flaunting your body, but, this IS anime so ummmm I'll just charge you with harboring criminals...

Tox: No way! That- awww nevermind. (slams head against table... repeatedly)

Whoopi: Hey! Stop that! ... Chris Schnorrbusch. You are charged with... (raises eyebrows)

Snorb: Oh, God. I did NOT like that eyebrow raising.

Whoopi: Good God! (whispers to security guard) Is this correct? (guard looks, then nods) Snorb, You've got 2,599,003,000,567 counts of plagiarism!

Snorb: DOUGH!

Whoopi: Correction, 2,599,003,000,568 And Matt...

Matt: Yes, I -am- a lawyer.

Whoopi: You are charged with one count of incompetence.

Matt: W00T

Whoopi: (sweatdrops) And I'm adding one count of dumbassery.

Matt: (peace signs) Hallelujah!

Whoopi: Mein Gott in Himmel! Now you've got one charge of public religiousness!

Matt: &%$#!!

Whoopi: How does the defendants plead?

Matt: Well... Tox. How does that shirt fit?

Tox: Tight. Shows off my brea-

Matt: Ah! You see, Judge? If the shirt don't fit...

Sun: Oh, God. Stevie Wonder can see this coming a mile and a half away...

Matt: ...you must acquit.

Sun: -That's- our defense?!

Mike: (kicks down doors) I acquit!

Snorb: Mike! You can't quit now! We didn't even HIRE you!

Mike: ITS REYES TIME

Tox: (sigh) Fine. Go join the rest of the dream team.

Whoopi: Okay... if I take all of the maximum sentences for all your charges if you are convicted, you will get one day in jail.

Mike: Bah, my clients have not committed any crime, because they have been in the arena all this time! And there is no crime when your opponents have been turned to slime! (beatnik style finger snapping)

Defendants: (sweatdrops)

Matt: ...you're fired.

Mike: FUCK YOU I QUIT I HOPE YOU ALL DIE ...wait. I'll just stay here. Not that I care. I just wanna see how this ends.

Whoopi: Can I talk?! However, Sun hath committed... Wall-Tapping in the First Degree! (crowd howls in shock)

Crowd: H0WL IN SHOCK

Whoopi: And that gets an automatic death penalty if convicted. So, how does the defense plead?

Matt: The defense RESTS!

Mike: The defense was in a constant state of rest, if you ask me. And that's my statement on CourTV.

Whoopi: So... I find Snorb guil- wait. (talks abnormally) On a more recent note I have come to the conclusion that boys will be boys. I find Snorb Not guilty on all charges. (stays still)

Everyone: ... Huh?

Sun: (Looks over to see Snorb just finish typing what the judge said on a laptop) ??? O.o Ooooohhhh... (smiles) Two can play at this game.

Whoopi: So, I sentence the rest of you to death.

Sun: (whips out laptop and starts typing)

Whoopi: Wait. I say we let-

Sun: That's it... keep it coming. (laptop falls over on the floor and explodes) Ahhhh SHIT!

Whoopi: (head fries with static electricity) AULGAIKGFLTv98CVH(VH MEKOREA MEKOREA- IX ($)()($ YOU KNOW THE DRILL FFVII OWNS YOU #$()$!(&$(&$(&%&(&$ )($ OMGTKKYB (head fumps over, black smoke pours out of her ears)

Sun: Shit!

All: (stare)

Sun: (runs up to judges stand. Places right hand under Whoopi's jaw and the left over her eyelids. Speaks in high pitched voice while moving her eyes and jaw up and down) I say we let them goooooo! Case dismissed! (Smashes Whoopi's head against the gavel)

Judges: YESSSS! (start cheering) (30 Exp. 5 ABP 0 GP) (Mike gained a Job level!) (learned !BrbJdge)

Matt: Aw, Final Fantasy V stunk! Can't we make fun of FFVI?!

Mike: NO!

(the arena)

Snorb: Hey, Where's Goku?

Sun: And Heero?

Snorb: And Serge?

Matt: And Chrono?

Sun: And Matt?

Snorb: And Mike?!

Sun: And- Snorb? Snorb?! (looks around to see that the arena and everyone around him has disappeared. He is now standing on the side of the road next to a sign saying the ABR arena is 6,000,000 miles away)

(pause)

Sun: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!! (starts laughing maniacally) He wants a fight. I'll give him a fight! (runs to airport)

Airport Person (AP): May I help you?

Sun: I need a ticket to the Anime Battle Royal!

AP: I'm sorry sir but we are sold out.

Sun: Shit.

AP: May I help you with anything else?

Sun: Ummm... ya. (looks at self behind AP) I'll take... that submachine gun behind you please.

AP: Sure, one sec. (hands gun to Sun)

Sun: Ok thanks. (pays and walks outside)

(2.1 seconds later)

Sun: (runs in with gun pointing at AP) PLANE TICKETS!!!! NOW!!!

AP: (Anime Smile) Right away sir.

Goku: Mike. You sucked. You better get better. I'd hate to have to Hurricane Kick you.

Matt: Wholey shit! The hurricane kick! An instant KO move!

Mike: Enh, go ahead and kick me.

(3 seconds later.)

Snorb: (holding putty knife and bucket of cement) HighTemplar I see you have an appetite for destruction. /HighTemplar (starts patching Mike-shaped hole in wall)

Goku: Yeah... is there any food I can eat?

Matt: Hmm. I also see you have an appetite.

Goku: Hey, what do you say I eat the entire contents at the Burger King next door?

Snorb: (patch patch) HighTemplar HOWEVER! I FIND YOUR LACK OF CONTROL DISTURBING /HighTemplar

Tox: Goku, honey? Did something happen to you? After we got separated in that large starfield?

Goku: ...?

Tox: Are you confusing me with someone else? ...(laughs) You WERE always so stupid... remember that time in the hotel?

(Silent Hill 2 theme starts playing)

Goku: Toxxx?

Tox: You said you took everything, but you forgot that anime you drew... I wonder if it's still there?

Serge: ?!

Goku: How do you know about that?! Aren't you Tox...? I.E., not Bulma?

(DEEEEEeeeDeeeeDADEEEEeeeDeeeeeeeeee. Yes, that's the Silent Hill 1 and 2 themes)

Tox: It doesn't matter who I am! I'm not a ghost. I'm here for you, Goke. (shoves Goku's face in her chest) See? I'm real.

Goku: Let go. (Hurricane Kicks Tox through the recently repatched wall)

Snorb: Damn it! (gets Hurricane Kicked)

(Outer space. An alien version of the Simpsons theme plays)

Kang: Look at them, Kodos! The fool has mastered the use of the dreaded Hurricane Kick!

Kodos: The Earthlings will soon be destroyed by this deadly device- and with noone left to kill, Goku will kill himself!

Kang: Then WE will take over the world!

Kang and Kodos: (both laugh. Suddenly, electrical buzzing is heard, and the two are transformed!)

James: What happened to us?

Harry: Quiet, you.

(Urth.)

Goku: Grr.

Serge: (draws Spectra Swallow and Mastermune, and just for the hell of it, Kid's Rainbow Dagger.)

Matt: OHH MY GOD SERGE HAS THREE HANDS

Serge: ?!

Matt: Never mind.

Serge: (poses) Dash&Slash! (dashes and slashes Matt)

Matt: (Hurricane Kicks Serge)

Serge: (goes flying through the Snorb and Tox-shaped holes)

Jigglypuff: Jig...alEE puff... Zz.. Zz...

Kirby: Damn, lets go! I want my turn!

(all of the kicked helluva-far judges reappear, courtesy of Tox.)

[Fight Unlucky Thirteen- Jigglypuff vs. Kirby: Pinkness]

Snorb: Yawn. This is really getting annoying.

Matt: Ah, let them fight. I mean, how much damage can two little pink things...

Jigglypuff: Jig puff jiggly. [Zeeky boogy doog.] (Nuclear explosion)

Kirby: Free snags it. (Earth blows up)

Matt: (face blackened, hair sticking up on spikes) ...do?

Tox: ...This was a mistake.

Jigglypuff: Jig..alee...PUFF...

Kirby: woooshh! (sucks Jigglypuff in, swallows, spits Jigglypuff out) Gig?

Jigglypuff: Jiggly! (attempts Rollout, fails)

Snorb: Heh, Jigglypuff failed because she sucks.

Kirby: (Pounds) Poof!

Jigglypuff: Jiggalee... PUFF! (starts singing, all fall asleep but Kirby and jig) Jiggly. [Damn it, not again...]

Kirby: ...You forget! I am immune to your powers, as I am also you!

Jigglypuff: Jig? [?????]

Kirby: Eeyaah! (does Final Cutter) Umph!

Jigglypuff: (gets sliced in half) xX Xx

Kirby: I wiiiin!

(suddenly, both halves of Jigglypuff form into two separate Jigglypuffs! Clearly, something odd is going down!)

Goku: (awakening) Umm... what the stage direction said.

Tox: Who even READS them anymore?

Serge: (shrug)

Tox: That was a rhetorical question.

Snorb: Oh! Serge! Time to insert your EVIL HERO POWERS (tm). (Holds up PSX controller)

Serge: ?

Snorb: This device lets you act as the persona of the person playing as you, which means you get to talk!

Serge: =( (draws Spectra Swallow)

Matt: (throws controller away) However, we'll save that for part 10.

Serge:

Jigglypuff 1: (cuts self in half, reforms into Jigglypuff 1 and 3)

Kirby: Uh...oh...

Jigglypuffs: (all singing, even Kirby is put to sleep!)

Snorb: What the... how the hell does that work?!

Matt: I'll get back to you on th- (looks as the Jigglypuffs continue asexual reproduction) Neat.

Snorb: (looks as the Jigglypuff army advances across the arena) Wow.

Goku: (watches them all surround Kirby) Coolies.

Serge: (the Jigglypuffs all attack Kirby as one) (utter realization kicks in) OH MY DEAR SWEET GOD

Goku: Hmmm. What are the odds of Kirby winning this fight?

Tox: 649 to 1.

Goku: Excellent!

Matt: Against.

Goku: Doh. (bits and pieces of Kirby splatter on the screen, only to be squeegeed off by some unknown hand.)

Snorb: I really could have gone without THAT, too, but...

Jigglypuffs: (all reform into one Jigglypuff) Jig jiggly!

Tox: I guess all of her army won.

Goku: Her, and what army?

Audience: BOO HISS GET OUTTA HERE (throws crap at judges)

Matt: (pulls out Pheonix Cannon, vaporizes another large chunk of grandstand) ANYONE ELSE WANT TO BE A FUCKING HERO?! DOOOOO YA?!!!!!?!?!?

...

Goku: How DO you do that, Matt?

Matt: PRACTICE!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Serge: PRACTICE;';';';';';';';';';';';';';'

Goku: PRACTICE###############

Matt: (sweatdrops) Ah, close enough.

Snorb: Can we get on with it already!?

Vegeta: All right! Smores time.

Matt: Some more what?

Vegeta: Smores.

Judges: Some more what!?

Vegeta: (shakes head)

[Fight Fourteen: Jigglypuff vs. Vegeta- Jig the Mountain]

Jigglypuff: (pulls out microphone) Jig... aLEE puff.

Vegeta: Nice try. BIG BANG ATTACKIEOOOoooOOO!!! (fires energy wave)

Jigglypuff: Puff! [Pfffffftttt.] (deflates, ducks blast)

Vegeta: Argh... Trunks? Help? ...oh. DOA. Riiiiight.

Jigglypuff: PUUFFFF! [] (inflates)

Mike: Stick a fork in her, she's DONE!

Vegeta: Duh, you da boss. (takes out pin) Poink. (poinks Jigglypuff)

Jigglypuff: (rolls over Vegeta)

Vegeta: Ouch. That hurt a bit.

Matt: Keep going, Jigglypuff!

Tox: You only have to do that 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 more times!

Goku: And all Vegeta has to do is touch you and KABOOOM! No more Jiggly'foo.

Serge: :D

(shadow falls on arena)

Snorb: Uh-oh...

Matt: Holy shit! That's not supposed to happen!

Tox: Jigglypuff's STILL inflating!

Jigglypuff: (now as tall as a small mountain) HAAAA HAAA HAAA HAAAA [...ha.]

Vegeta: (turns to judges) Hey! She's out of the ring! I win!

Matt: Oh, nonononononononono, Vegeta. You don't understand.

Goku: She's not out of the ring until SHE'S ALL THE FUCKING WAY out of the ring!

Mike: Besides, if YOU wanna tell her, be my guest.

Vegeta: Hey! (Jigglypuff becomes even larger still) You're out of... the... rin...g.

Bigglypuff: (stomps part of the crowd, including the now massively decayed and foul-smelling remains of Urawa Ryo, and waddles out of the ring)

Snorb: Houston... we have a problem.

Houston: We do?! Aw, damn it! (pulls a gun and shoots himself)

(SWAT helicopter, a few seconds later)

Pilot: Okay, we'll find that Pokecritter... let's just follow the trail of destruction.

Snorb: Umm... (points towards giant mutant Clefairy)

Pilot: Oh. ...Well, there it is.

Bigglypuff: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [Wheefun.] (stomps a building or two)

Mike: Okay, let's go, people!

(Serge, Snorb, and Matt whip out Super-Kill-O-Zap-Phaser-Photon-Nuke-Mako-Cannon-Blasters, while Tox pulls out a triple barreled Mako Cannon)

Serge, Snorb, Matt, and Tox: Click (set guns to full auto) clock (flick off safety catches) motherfucking CLACK (flick on Extreme Danger catches)

Mike: FIIIIIIIIAAAaAYYYYYYRRRRRR

(the entire city of iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii is obliterated by the massive explosions emanating from the firearms)

FUNimation Censor #3: Oh, look at that! Luckily, you destroyed an abandoned section of the city!

Snorb: Then what are all those charred corpses?

Matt: This place was more packed than New York City in Soylent Green!

FUNimation Censor: Then, the people abandoned it when they saw the giant Purin!

...

The Lunatics with the Directed-Energy Weapons: CLICK CLICK PULL

FUNimation Censor: FRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE (turns into a cloud of green smoke)

Singers: Weeee gave them the money,

They acted real funny,

They pulled out some lasers,

And they totalled my boss!

(meanwhile, on the ground patrol...!)

Vegeta: Hmm... I have an idea... this will involve more parodying of an obscure anti-Vietnam War song Snorb heard two years ago, tho...

Tox: I don't care -what- happens! Just so long as somebody wins!

Your Humble Narrator: (throbbing bass line starts playing) And, so, Vegeta ran into Ralph's (nobody has better prices than Ralph's) and he bought twelve gallons of Aunt Jemima's Maple Syrup. (bass line gets louder) From there, he rushed over to a nearby phone booth. AND HE SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! (bass line gets louder and speeds up) And then, he dropped his pants, and put that maple syrup all over the inside of his legs! Soon, the booth began to fill up... with FLIES! (Aah, help meee! Help meeee!) And, once that booth was filled to capacity with flies, he said...

Vegeta: (bass line stops, musical cue plays) Bigglypuff!

Your Humble Narrator: And the booth! And the FLIES! AND EVERYTHING... LIFTED OFF OF THE GROUND,

Matt: AND INTO THE SKKYYYYYYYYYYY!

(Jigglypuff gets so big she is now mountain-shaped. The phone booth lands near her mouth)

Matt: WAIT!!!!

(music stops playing)

Matt: Couldn't have Vegeta just flown up there instead of that horrific display of idiocy we have just witnessed?

(silence)

Tox: (Punches Matt)

Matt: Ouch! (Lands on floor) Hey! I'm not finished! Since when does Jigglypuff posses the power to inflate to epic proportions? And why didn't he use it before now?

(silence)

Matt: And another thi- wa? What the hell!? (a dark cloud appears over Matt, a large hand is emerging, holding a bolder) I mean... uh... (quickly) What I ment to say was that all of the events that have taken place so far are completely normal and no one should ever question them. (innocent smile)

(cloud disappears)

Vegeta: (steps out onto Jigglypuff's lower lip) Okay... Listen- ahem LISTEN, YOU YU-GI-OH! SON OF A BITCH. YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN THERE FOR YOUR FUCKING BATTLE, OR I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU ARE BEATEN BRUTALLY, SHOT AT, AND DISCOMBOBULATED! GET THE ahem Get the picture?

Tox: But, Jigglypuff just laughed!

Bigglypuff: HA. HA. HA.

Child Voice: JANEMBA!

Matt: What?

(a giant baby-alien-like thing appears from out of the shadows)

Matt: The shadows? How'd we miss that?

Serge: (shrugs)

Janemba: JANEMBA [he's mine]

Vegeta: Awwww shit. This just isn't my day.

Janemba: (throws Vegeta to the ground and proceeds to sit on him)

Vegeta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee............................... (weakly) Aw, fuck. (dies)

Janemba: Janemba [my work here is done] (explodes)

Jigglypuff: (blinks several times)

Snorb: And this goes to show you-

Aaaaaaaa mountain is something

You don't want to -fuck- with,

You don't want to fuck with,

Don't fuck around! (Don't fuck around!)

Don't fuck with Jiggy,

Don't fuck with Truh-unnnks,

You read what just happened,

To the guy with the flies! (No shit now!)

Don't fuck around!

Don't fuck around!

Don't fuck around!

With Snnnnnooooo-uhhhhhooooooor-rrrrrrrrrbuh!

Mike: Beautiful, man, just beautiful.

Snorb: Thanks.

Matt: So, let's go home.

Goku: You win, Jig-girl!

Bigglypuff: (deflates to Jigglypuff-size) Jiggly! [Yay.]

Announcer (Serge's mom): Ok! Since I really didn't get to do much of anything in this chapter... here are the standings!

-----------------------------------------------

WINNERS ELIMINATION

Vegeta         

Cloud           /     Vegeta 

Kirby                              Vegeta      

Sailor Mars     /      Kirby  /                   

Trunks                                                TRUNKS

Jigglypuff     /    Trunks                        /

Clefairy                                Trunks  /

Sailor Mercury  /   Sailor Mercury  /

LOSERS ELIMINATION

Link  

        Cloud

Cloud  /            Dummy  

          Rei   /             Jig.

                  Jigglypuff /        Jig.

                               Clef. /        Jig.

                                        Ami  /        Jig.

                                               Kirby /        JIGGLYPUFF

                                                      Vegeta /

-----------------------------------------------

Marge: And that's that. Who will win the final round? Will it be the lone saiyan warrior, Trunks!? Or the pusillanimous pipsqueak, Jigglypuff!? Tune in next time same bat time, same bat channel, for the final chapter of... THE ANIME BATTLE ROYAL!!


	10. He gets credit for everything!

--------------------------------------------------

Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 10

Sunday, June 2, 2002

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight

headers. is an onomatopoeia.

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

--------------------------------------------------

Marge: You've waited for it...

Sun: (Lands plane next to Marge) YES!!! FINALLY I AM BACK!!

Marge: (hesitates) Ummm... (sweatdrops) Like an inescapable war...

Audience: (snore)

Marge: ...or a... ugh... hard-on during a Sailor Mercury hentai...

Snorb: (boi-oi-oinggg)

Marge: ...it returns. Again.

Serge: ?

Marge: Man, I was going for something slightly spooky there. Sorry, guys.

Tox: -Why- did we hire her, again?!

Sun: I don't know. But! I -do- know that we've still got an ABR to finish!

(jumps into a blood soaked judges seat) Ah. It's good to be home (pats chair)

Snorb: This IS the Profound Darkness!

.....

Matt: Snorb. Hand over Phantasy Star IV.

Snorb: Sure. (hands it over)

Matt: ME HATE ME SMASH (smashes the poor Genesis cartridge)

Snorb: NOOOOOOOOOOO NOT RIKA NOOOOOOO

Sun: ...Huh?

Tox: You keep forgetting, Sun! Only .01% of the people that read this actually

understands all of the jokes!

Sun: ......-HUH-?!

Tox: ...Never mind, sir.

Goku: Look, I've got a Dark Force to kick the crap out of, so...

Matt: Goku. Hand over Phantasy Star III.

Goku: But, I... you... oh, FINE. (hands it over) NOOOOO NOT LEENA NOOO

Matt: I didn't even crush it yet.

Serge: (rolls eyes)

Matt: Thank you, Serge.

Serge: (poses) [FlyingArrow] (fires a blast of light at the PS3 cart)

Goku: Hmm. I'll have to rip that one off someday.

Serge: =(

Goku: I mean... ah... (bigsweat) NOOOOO NOT LEENA NOOO

Snorb: Stupid Saiyan.

Goku: O.O :[-]

Snorb: (backing down slowly) Ummm... I mean... Very intelligent humanoid

thingie. Ummm ya that's right.

Goku: Hey that reminds me. I don't know what race you are Tox.

Snorb: She's human! Just look!

Matt: Not necessarily Snorb. Many aliens in animes look human. Take our Saiyan

primates for example. (points to goku)

Goku: (Picks a bug from head and starts eating it.)

Tox: Ya, I don't know why it should matter but I'm Julugen.

Snorb: (thinking) Julugen... I have heard of them. They are supposed to have

very special powers. I wonder what they are.

Tox: (looks at Snorb) Mind reading.

Snorb: O.O

Matt: Hey guys! I just remembered! Check out what I found yesterday! (pulls out

a silver colored box with switches and a meter)

Snorb: Where did you get that!?

Matt: Some Sailor Moon strip club or something.

(Star Ship Revenge)

Lackey: SIR!

Large Floating Head: Yeh, yeh, I know.

(arena)

Matt: Anyway, I think It's a refrigerator, but I can't seem to get it open!

Goku: (ears point upward like a dog, grabs the box and is about to smash it on

the floor)

Snorb: Goku! That is extremely fragile!

Tox: (rolls eyes) Ya right.

(the box's meter moves a notch)

Snorb: It's a Sarcasm meter! (swipes it out of Goku's hand) Can you guess what

it does from it's name?

Tox: Nooooooo.

Sarcasm Meter (SM): Moves a little more

Snorb: Tox, aren't you exited?

Tox: (rolls finger around head) Whoopee.

SM: (explodes)

Snorb: Damnit Tox, why did you have to go and do that?

Goku: You know guys. It may just be me, but I think the Anime Battle Royal has

gotten extremely stupid the last couple of matches. I mean most of the time,

stuff happens not even related to the topic at hand. Some person would just be

talking about something irrelevant and then all of a sudden just die for no

apparent reason.

...

Goku: (ducks out of way of giant weight)

[La Finale Semi-Grande.]

Marge: In THIS corner... weighing in at... (consults Pokedex) sixteen pounds...

with a love of songs, and a hatred for Clefairies, Saiyans, and artists, wearing

the pink skin... HEEEEERE'S JIGGLYPUFF!

Jigglypuff: Jig. [Worship me, damn it!]

Audience: (one person coughs, followed by an awkward silence)

Marge: And... in THIS corner...

Audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYYAAYAY

Marge: Weighing in at a massive 195 pounds without his katana, he's been called

the Purple Haired Freak, the Psychopathic Deranged Crackhead Freak, the Terror

of Tokyo, the Nihon Nutcase, the homose- heAAGHH!

(Crime Lab.)

Criminologist (An Expert): At this moment, Marge Insula was immediately made

less volumous due to a katana hurled through her jugular vein. She managed to

get off one last Hellsoul Element before she finally passed away. For some

reason, Serge didn't care- maybe he was playing baseball with his half-human

half-cat father Wazuki/Lynx? Or maybe he... he... (looks at bomb) Hey, what the

hell are YOU doing here?

Ziggy H. Bomb: Zeeky boogy doog! (nuclear explosion)

(The arena!)

Matt: Not again.

Sun: Okay. I don't care WHO the announcer is. Somebody be the announcer!

Mike: I don't know why I do this... okay, where did Marge leave off? Ah. (reads

from card) he strikes FEAR in all he surveys! Ladies and gentlemen, heeere's

your new hero, Trunks D. Saiyan!

Crowd: YAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAAY

[The Final Showdown IV- Jigglypuff vs. Trunks: End of Hand of Doom]

Jigglypuff: (takes out marker) Jiggly...puff... Jig.alEE... (fails to see Trunks

running up to her)

Trunks: KwAAANZAAAAA! (Poor-man DDTs Jigglypuff)

Sun: That might be easier for me to understand if I even KNEW what a DDT was.

Matt: Screw it. I think I'll play some PSX. (picks up controller)

Serge: Hey, how'd I get all these scars on my body? (points finger in the air)

USE OF GUARDIAN FORCE IS CLEARLY INDICATED HE... What? Huh?

Sun: My God!

Tox: The man TALKS!

Matt: Whoa, cool.

Goku: Oh, lemme see. (snatchs controller)

Serge: (Hurricane Kicks himself) Ow. That didn't hurt me at all. Nope. Not at

(collapses)

Snorb: Ah, I see. The controller transmits its user's personality to Serge!

Lemme... (takes it)

Serge: NOOOO! Not my suave El Nido chaaaaAAAAH, YOU ASSWIPE (takes controller,

which promptly shorts out)

Trunks: So... what does that mean?

Jigglypuff: Jig! Puff puff jiggypuff jig! [It means that Serge must have no

personality of his own. And that I need new pants.]

Serge: TT

Trunks: Hey, I have an idea!

Tox: You take some ropes and fence off a 10'x10' area so you can act like Hulk

Hogan?

Trunks: Well, no, but THAT idea sounds even better! (puts on a black bandanna

with HOLLYWOOD written on it)

Jigglypuff: Ah, fuck. I'm done for.

Trunks: (rips off clothes to reveal Hulkamania spandex)

Tox: (nosebleed)

Sun: Okay, new rules!

Goku: What?

Matt: ...bring in Sun 3!

Serge: ?????

Matt: Never mind.

Trunks: (bounces off rope) YAAAAAAAH! (clotheslines Jigglypuff- with his

katana.)

Jigglypuff: Jiiiiig! (inflates, and lands on Trunks's head)

Trunks: Ah, you're fucking up my bandaroo! Get off! (they struggle, and Trunks

throws Jigglypuff out of the ring.)

Matt: That's it! Trunks wi-

Sun: (punches Matt) No! We can't have the final match end in something so

pathetic as a Ring Out! Trunks! You drag her ass back in there and finish her

off!

Trunks: But I won!

Matt: (points Pheonix Cannon at Trunks's groin)

Trunks: Or not. Time to take out the trash... (drags Jigglypuff into the ring)

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff! [Mooo.] (kicks Trunks in the knee)

Trunks: &%&&#!!! My trick knee!

Jigglypuff: Jig. Jiigly JIIIIG puff. [Funny. I didn't know you had a trick

knee.]

Trunks: Funny. Neither did I. (points at Matt) Make the "Use of GF" joke at your

own peril. FIINAL FLAAAAAASH! (throws a Final Flash at Jigglypuff, who goes

flying like a balloon!)

Jigglypuff: Jiiiiigggllyyyyy..... [Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!] (thuds to the ground a

foot away from the judges)

Sun: Let's keep it in play! (punt)

Jigglypuff: PUFFFFFF [Fuck you, Sun. Whhaaaaaaa!] (lands on feet in arena)

Trunks: Grrr...

Jigglypuff: ! [Ding.] (poses) GF Jig jigggly jig! [GF Sailor Venus!] (Sailor

Venus appears)

Jigglypuff: (runs into Sailor Venus) Jiiiiig! [MINAKO ##$!%]

Minako: WHAAAaAaAT?!

Jigglypuff: Puff jiggly jiiig! [GET THE TABLES!!]

Minako: (grabs judges' table)

Tox: Hey! She stole our table!

Sun: Ah, I'm sure she'll put it to a good use.

Minako: (drops table) Got one!

Jigglypuff: (grabs Trunks, hold him above her... um... head?) Jigg! [Get ready!]

Trunks: Hey! What the fuck?!

Audience: 3D! 3D! 3D! 3D &$%&%&$%!!!!!!!!!!! (Minako and Jigglypuff throw

Trunks through the table) FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH %$#!!%!

Minako: Now that this GF is complete, I must go now! (disappears)

Sun: Oh, my God, that actually looked like it -hurt- Trunks.

Trunks: (does nothing)

Matt: Trunks?!

Trunks: ...

Goku: (gets out of booth, starts pummeling Trunks) Hey, Trunks! Wake up! Get up,

dammit!

.......

Goku: O...KAY.... I'm now a bit concerned. Rigor mortis has set in.

Tox: Umm...

Goku: But, as far as I can tell, he's faking it. (continues pummeling Trunks)

Sun: .....Idiot.

Serge: .....Moron.

Matt: ....Hey, dude. Nothing's happening.

Snorb: I think the match is over.

Sun: Oh.

......

Sun: What now?

All: ........

(Line Dancing!)

(Everybody Ever Mentioned In The ABR, Except For Aeris And Ryo): Let's do the

Time Warp agaiiiin! (bum bum BUM bum bum da dum) Let's do the Time Warp

agaiiiiiin!

(Crime Lab.)

Ami: It's just a jump to the left! (jumps to left)

(stage)

(Everyone Else): And a step to the rii-iight! (steps to right)

(Crime Lab.)

Ami: (puts hands on hips) Put your hands on your hips!

(stage)

(Everyone Else): And shake it tiiiiight! It's the pelvic thrus-usssts! That

drive you insaaa-aaa-aaane! Let's do the Time Warp agaiiiiiiin! (bum bum BUM bum

bum da dum) Let's do the Time Warp agaiiiiiiiin!

....

Of course, that's what COULD have happened. But! How about THIS?!:

Sun: Oh.

.....

Sun: So, what n- (looks at Jigglypuff) What the fuck?!

(arena)

Jigglypuff: Hmm... rrrggh.... nngghh...

Tox: I'm not liking this!

Sun: Me either!

Tox: ...Yo, Sun. If you die, can I have the website?

Sun: No.

Tox: =(

Jigglypuff: (pulls head off Jigglypuff costume to reveal.....)

(Keep scrolling!)

(Is this getting annoying yet?)

(Yes, you ARE moving.)

(.....Mister Satan!)

Crowd: ...

O.o?

...

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAAY!!!

Sun: OMG! It's Mr. Satan!

Mr. Satan: (pulls off Jigglypuff costume) Ha! HA! I am! The best! (poses, rubs

finger under nose)

Sun: Gah! Serge! Do something!

Serge: (looks at button marked "!!!") (very slowly) Hmmmmmmmmm.......

MMMMMMMMM........ OOooohhhhhhhh. (pushes button, and is crushed under a 16 ton

weight)

Snorb: Oh, no! Serge died! (lifts weight) But, the Mastermune and Spectra

Swallow are just fine... Hmm.

Sun: Bah! I could do better than that! (pulls lever)

(machine powers up)

Matt: All right, what the hell does that machine DO?!

Sound: Neeeeeeyooooup. (a shoe attached to a pole is lowered into the arena.)

Mr. Satan: Hmm?

Shoepole: Errroooup. (shoe rears back) OOoooup. KONK! (kicks Mr. Satan's head,

but fails to kick it off) Ha! It takes more than that to defeat me! I'm Mr.

Satan! (head explodes)

Matt: Hey, his head exploded cause he said Mr. Satan.

Snorb: Yah. That's odd. It's not like he said "Blah". (head explodes)

Mike: AHHHHH! Everyone is dieing! Someone declare a winner!

Sun: Okay. We have decided.

The remaining judges: But we didn- (death)

Sun: (fast and fearing for his life)

Ihavedecidedthatthewinnerofthefirsteveranimebattleroyalis-

(World)

Earth: (explodes. A bunch of confetti erupts from the ruined Earth, spelling out

"Happy End!".)

(Mario Theme starts playing as the credits roll up "Cry Freedom" Style)

CHARACTER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CAUSE OF DEATH

Matt,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Ran over by parked car

Sun,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Slipped in shower

Snorb,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Nose bleed

Tox,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Explosive tater-tot

Serge,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hellbound worked

Marge,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Fell off chair

Mr. Satan,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Copyright issues with a POWERFULL FOE

Bookeworm Splat!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hit the fan

Sun #2,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Ate his own feces

Snorb #2,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Testicular Cancer

Fox,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Shot by Elmer Fudd

Serge #2,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Sold

Jigglypuff,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Copyright issues with Afro man

Vegeta,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Growth hormone imbalance

Sailor Scouts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Assassinated by Carmen Electra

James,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Trianglized head

Mr. Game & Watch,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Two words: PAPER SHREDDER!

(Credits end and the screen zooms out of a TV screen to show five people dazed)

Chris M: What the hell was that?

Chris S: (shrugs)

Mike: (scratches head)

Morgan: I could go for a cold shower right about now. (shutters)

Matt: (Raises finger, a single "." Appears over his head)

Chris M: Stop that! (brushes dot away, and a pointy "!" appears over Chris'

head)

Matt: Huh?

Chris M: (takes Explination point and flings it at Matt)

Matt: (quickly moves out of the way and the "!" impales the wall.

Morgan: Poor wall.

Matt: RRRRGGGG... (a giant "?" starts to form and grow over his head)

(Space Odyssey 2001 theme starts playing)

Sound: Duuuuuuuuuun... duuuuuuuuun... duuuuuuuuuuuuuun... dun du- SPLAT!

(Question Mark falls over and crushes all of them... matrix code starts

appearing on the screen)

Code: 7h0 3nD of 4BR.

----------------------------------------

Enjoy the Anime Battle Royal? Still want more? Check out the new Role Playing Game featuring a unique and hilarious story line in the ABR saga. For more information on "ABR: Oh No, Not Another Final Fantasy Parody!" (or as Matt likes to shorten it "Lunch RPG") check out directsun [dot] net


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